The Discomfort of Silence

For many people, silence can be uncomfortable. When silent by ourselves, we come face to face with our thoughts and feelings. When silent with others, we are confronted by just being instead of doing. In either case, we want to avoid this discomfort and find ways to distract. The downside is that we miss out on opportunities. We fail to leverage the power of silence and, in doing so, cut off access to a great source of power.

When we use the power of silence, we have the opportunity to:

• Pause from daily life
• Notice how we’re doing
• Reflect on deeper truths
• Increase awareness of what’s going on around us
• Listen
• Access wisdom

These benefits can help us solve problems, experience meaningful connection, access creativity, connect to the bigger picture, recognize wants and needs, align with purpose, and be more resilient, peaceful, and fulfilled.

Talking: The Enemy of Silence

One of the biggest enemies of silence is talking. Ironically, talking is a common Achilles heel of leaders. Some talk because they like hearing their own voice. Others talk because they are uncomfortable with silence. In some cases, talking is a way to avoid intimacy and being present with other people. For many leaders, it’s simply a habit developed over time and culturally reinforced: many people spend a lot more time talking than listening or being silent. Regardless of the reason, talking can cut us off from our personal power and effectiveness as leaders.

Consider some common workplace scenarios:

• A manager has a performance review with a direct report. The majority of the conversation involves the manager giving feedback, direction, and suggestions.
• Senior leaders brief their people on a new initiative. Over the course of an hour, they spend fifty minutes outlining details, telling personal stories that relate to the reason behind the initiative, giving directives, and sharing the consequences of not following the initiative. Although they allow ten minutes for questions, they only have time for one question because they spend most of that time responding with long answers and even more stories.
• A leader asks their team for ideas about a new solution. Almost immediately after asking, the leader proceeds to interrupt, argue, discount ideas, or move on before speakers even have a chance to finish their thoughts.

In all three examples, the conversations were one-sided. There was no room for hearing other perspectives, ideas, or needs. Solutions were handed down instead of co-created, resulting in less ownership and potential buy-in. Most of the information presented went over people’s heads, as they could only take in so much before their minds wandered elsewhere. People didn’t feel seen, valued or, in some cases, even needed at all.

The irony in such situations is that leaders then wonder why they struggle to get people engaged, bought-in, self-motivated, self-directed, creative, taking ownership, and not improving. They then might even blame others instead of noticing their own contribution.

Leveraging the Power of Silence

When leaders learn to embrace and use silence, new possibilities emerge. By providing spaciousness, reflective questions, and listening, there is room for something different to occur.

Using silence can take many forms, such as:

• Listening to someone speak without interrupting, commenting, correcting, or fixing the person
• Asking questions and allowing as much time as it takes for the other person to answer
• Allowing enough time for groups to ask questions without ending before everyone has a chance to ask questions
• Letting someone finish a thought, even if they pause while speaking
• Taking time each day to do nothing
• Going for a walk or spending time in nature without any distraction
• Using powerful questions to help people figure out their own solutions instead of taking over, giving direction, or telling them how you’d do it

In the examples above, performance reviews could consist of asking the direct report what their goals are, where they’re struggling, what their ideas are for improving, and what they need. Briefs could focus on sharing the “what” and engaging the group to come up with the “how.” Meetings could allow time for free brainstorming and sharing of ideas without interruption.

One senior leader I coached was quick to fill the silence with his direct reports by telling them what they should do. Instead of waiting for answers, he became impatient. If they didn’t seem to get what he was telling them or couldn’t do it fast enough, he’d take over and do the work for them. He was frustrated and wondered why his people weren’t developing.

As he explored his pattern of avoiding silence by being directive and taking over, he saw how much he was the cause of their issues. He started listening more, asking questions, letting his direct reports come up with solutions, and allowing them to struggle with figuring things out on their own. Not only did they start taking initiative and becoming more independent in their jobs, his own stress went way down and he had more time and energy for his own work. By using the power of silence, he gave ownership back to his people and provided the space for them to find their way.

Embracing Silence

To cultivate your own use of silence, consider the following questions:

• How do you typically respond to silence?
• In a typical conversation, how much time do you spend talking instead of listening?
• What strategies can you implement to use silence more often?
• Instead of telling someone what to do, what questions could you ask to help them discover their own answers?
• What would being silent look like for you, and how could you incorporate more silence in your life?

Supervisor: I have this really difficult employee who isn’t very good at this job, and I’ve had enough. He doesn’t complete tasks correctly, rubs his team the wrong way by making harsh comments, and leaves early. I think I’m going to have to fire him. (The employee takes a different approach than I would take, actually rubs me, not the team, the wrong way, and has only left early twice in the past two years.)

Colleague: Have you talked to him about it?

Supervisor: Yeah, I addressed it with him a couple of times and made suggestions for what he could do. (I once told him that “some people made comments about his performance and that he should be more aware of how he impacts others.” Another time, I made a light joke about how he communicates.)

Colleague: So that didn’t make any difference, even after giving him a development plan?

Supervisor: No, he just keeps doing the same things and doesn’t seem to get it. I’ve tried everything. He’s just a problem and is never going to get it. (I didn’t try anything except what I already told you, including giving him any sort of development plan.)

Unfortunately, these kinds of scenarios are more common than we’d like to admit. Employees receive little to no feedback, direct communication, or development plan. Supervisors then blame and ultimately punish the employee. The result? The employee pays for what is essentially the supervisor’s shortcomings and failure to do their own job. So does the company, who now loses an employee that could have easily been developed. All the initial time and resources that went into hiring, training, and learned knowledge is now for nothing, and the organization has to start over again from scratch.

The Role of Supervisor

One of the primary responsibilities of any supervisor is to develop people, not manage work. This is one trait that differentiates leading from managing. However, when supervisors default to managing and fail to develop people, the employee and the rest of the organization suffer. Common reasons why supervisors don’t provide this kind of feedback include:

• Fear of conflict
• Assuming that employees should just “get it” without needing to be told
• Laziness
• Focusing on other work instead
• Not knowing how to deliver feedback
• Hoping the problems will somehow correct themselves or just go away

Ironically, the only time the employee does get feedback is when the problems have built up to the point of disciplinary action or firing (and, even then, I’ve seen people either still not receive any feedback or only receive generic, superficial feedback).

By the time the problems have escalated, it’s usually too late to turn things around. To add insult to injury, the employee was never even given a chance to correct their behavior. They may have never even known there was a problem in the first place! Yet, they pay the price for the supervisor’s shortcomings while the supervisor isn’t held accountable.

On the other hand, when supervisors act like leaders, they recognize that, in many ways, the success or the failure of their employees depends on how they develop them. Whether it’s through coaching, mentoring, or providing regular feedback, it’s the supervisor’s job to help their people grow and succeed.

The Cost of Not Supervising

Supervision can be challenging. Between handling day-to-day tasks, tracking the team’s progress, managing work, being the go-between for their team and upper management, and other responsibilities, there is a lot to do. Already stressed, taking the time for an uncomfortable conversation can feel like too much.

Instead of providing feedback, supervisors tend to go to either end of the spectrum by being too hands-off and avoiding meaningful interaction or being too hands-on and doing the person’s work for them. Both strategies ultimately fail to develop people and help them learn the necessary skills to succeed in their jobs.

Although there are likely “good” reasons for not having these conversations, the cost of not having them can be far greater:

• Continued mistakes resulting in damage to the organization, people, products, or processes
• Employees not feeling valued or invested in, and ultimately quitting or feeling resentful
• Behaviors continue and impact other team members, who then get derailed doing damage control, avoiding the person, or quitting
• Doing extra work and/or buffering to overcompensate for the person’s shortcomings or mistakes
• Built-up resentment and stress
• Unloading all at once at performance reviews, which erodes trust, gives no opportunity for improvement, and is typically too little, too late

Again, it’s the supervisor’s responsibility to give feedback. Regardless of reasons not to, it’s crucial to take the time and effort to provide direct, specific, and ongoing feedback. Anything less is a setup for potential failure.

Providing Feedback

Although there are many best practices for providing effective feedback, the bottom line is to start doing it. Whether you give feedback in the moment, as part of regular 1:1 conversations, written or verbal, or for groups or for individuals, it’s crucial to look for opportunities.

Feedback doesn’t have to be negative or constructive. In fact, providing significantly more positive feedback than negative feedback will yield much better results. (Marriage expert John Gottman suggests a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in marriage, and the same ratio could be applied when providing feedback at work. That said, counting your ratio or forcing positive feedback will only come across as insincere and ultimately backfire, so use the ratio as a rough estimate. Hint: frequently look for wins or successes, no matter how small, and acknowledge them.) Another benefit to emphasizing positive feedback is that it builds trust, which ultimately makes it easier when the time comes to deliver constructive feedback.

When you prioritize giving feedback, your job actually becomes easier. By swapping short-term pain for long-term gain, your team will become stronger, more independent, and higher-performing. You’ll free up time by not constantly putting out fires, your overall stress will decrease, you’ll gain respect and trust from your people, and you’ll boost morale and loyalty. To get started, reflect on the following:

• What might you gain by providing ongoing feedback?
• What keeps you from providing regular feedback to your direct reports or colleagues?
• Instead of giving feedback, do you tend to either keep a distance from your people or overcompensate by doing work for them? How could you find more balance?
• What specific feedback would you give current direct reports or colleagues?
• What positive, genuine, “low-hanging fruit” feedback can you provide on a regular basis?

Accountability Is Not a Dirty Word

Holding people accountable means accepting responsibility for their actions. Unfortunately, we sometimes view this as a form of punishment, being too harsh, or micromanaging. Although in some cases people go to these extremes, this is not accountability. Instead, it literally is punishing, being too harsh, or micromanaging. Unfortunately, people then may react and flip to the other end of the spectrum, which looks like being too lax or simply checking out. Whichever strategy we choose, the results are the same:

• Tasks don’t get completed
• Agreements aren’t honored
• Items fall through the cracks
• Trust gets broken
• Commitments become empty, meaningless words
• Credibility is shaken
• People can’t depend on other people

Accountability means either making sure that we do what we say we’re going to do, or what we should be doing based on agreements that have already been established. If we need to be able to accomplish work, move towards goals, and build trust, accountability isn’t an option – it’s a must-have.

Learning the Language of Accountability

Interestingly, many of us never learned how to hold people accountable. Instead, we observed behaviors such as badgering, belittling, shaming, punishing, or imposing rules for the sake of rules as examples of accountability. Or, we may have seen behaviors such as making excuses, shying away from aspirations, goals, or dreams, avoiding commitments, dropping the ball, or tolerating mediocrity. Regardless of which end of the spectrum you move towards, neither is effective. Typical examples of these behaviors that I observe in my clients include:

• Pestering people over and over again around actions they haven’t completed
• Failing to set standards and expectations, or setting them without any follow-up
• Taking steps towards reaching an agreement, then giving up when met with resistance
• Passing off difficult situations or people and making them other people’s problems
• Making wishy-washy commitments without any plan of action
• Continually saying things like “we’ll get to it later,” and then never getting to it
• Making lofty or pseudo-spiritual statements like “it’s all good”, “just trust the flow”, or “it’ll all work out”
• Moving quickly to disciplinary actions or firing people

The problem with this language is that it doesn’t get results. Instead, we need to learn a new language that supports success, change, and results. Three pillars of this language? Clarity, persistence, and coaching.

Three Pillars of Accountability

Let’s look at three core pillars that you can use to hold people accountable:

Clarity: In order to hold people accountable, both you and they need to understand exactly what the agreement is. This includes elements such as being time-bound, detailed, and behavior-specific. In other words, what exactly should the person do, what does it look like, and when should they have it completed? Both you and they need to be on the same page of understanding and, as a leader, you need to have a way of confirming their understanding of your expectations.

The second part of clarity is getting clear agreement. Someone else may understand what you want, but understanding doesn’t equal agreement. Ultimately, anything less than a clear “yes” or “no” is not agreement. And, if it’s anything less then a “yes,” you’ll need to go deeper into the other two pillars to get clarity.

Persistence: A clear “yes” isn’t enough. Many a “yes” has been spoken, only to be never revisited again. We need to follow-up around the agreement. Ideally, you’ll establish a plan for follow-up up front, but there needs to be some kind of ongoing check-in to see how things are going, offer support, and course-correct as needed. Unfortunately, many people don’t make these agreements and then resort to pestering and micro-managing. Instead, work out a plan for ongoing check-ins that supports both of you.

You’ll also need to use persistence when you hear anything less than a clear “yes.” I often tell clients that they need to make the other person either say “yes” or “no,” but nothing in between. You don’t have to be a jerk about it – you just need to stay engaged in the conversation for as long as it takes. Staying with questions like, “When will you complete this?”, “Will you do x?”, and “What exactly will you agree to?” will help get that clarity from the first pillar. Or, simply restating the agreement and asking directly, “Will you agree to this?”

When you persist, people will squirm, evade, avoid, and talk in circles. You may have to repeat these questions several times until you get an answer. It’s your job to stay engaged until you get the clear “yes” or “no.”

Coaching: Two of people’s biggest obstacles around accountability are either lack of motivation or lack of skill. As leaders, it’s our job to help people move past these obstacles. Sometimes people do say yes and then get stuck. Other times, they need help in order to get to yes because they don’t understand the “why,” lack confidence, or need support.

As a leader, you’ll need to diagnose what the obstacle is and then work with the person to move past it. This could involve focusing on potential benefits to following through, providing tools for learning, or just offering ongoing support.

There are often deeper reasons behind people’s inability or unwillingness to be accountable. When we can uncover those reasons and find a way forward, accountability not only becomes easier, it becomes more meaningful.

Practicing Accountability

Applying these pillars requires you to practice them yourself around the topic of accountability. You’ll need to become clear on how you’d like to hold people accountable, establish a plan and stick to it, and move past your own obstacles. Here are some questions to assist you:

• What are some potential benefits to holding people accountable?
• What are your challenges around holding people accountable?
• What do you need to move past those challenges?
• Which of the three pillars would be most helpful to practice, and how can you practice it?
• What support do you need around practicing accountability?

Again, these ideas don’t just apply to holding others accountable – they also work for holding yourself accountable. Whether you want to lose weight, complete a project, or achieve a dream, the principles still apply. For additional support, share your experiences in the comments below!

A Look Inside a Typical Goal-Setting Conversation

From the coaching sessions I’ve observed in the workplace, goal conversations typically go something like this:

Supervisor: “What’s something you’d like to work on as a goal?”

Direct Report: “I’d like to get better at managing my time.”

Supervisor: “OK, that sounds like a great goal! I do think you could do better at completing your work on time. I think you should aim to get all your paperwork turned in by Friday.”

Direct Report: “OK, I can do that.”

Supervisor: “Perfect! Nice job.”

All right, so it’s better than nothing – at least there was a conversation in the first place, which is all too rare. However, let’s look at a few missing elements:

• The supervisor didn’t ask any questions to clarify why this goal was important to the direct report
• The supervisor didn’t ask the direct report to be more specific about what managing their time would look like, or what the end result would be
• The supervisor jumped quickly to a solution, without digging deeper and letting the direct report come up with their own solution
• There was no way to measure the goal
• There was no plan to follow up

Setting Your Own SMART Goals

As I mentioned in another post, setting SMART goals is a lot harder than many people think. Before attempting to coach someone to set a goal, it’s crucial to know how to set SMART goals for yourself. In addition to my previous article, here is another article by Mindtools on the basics of SMART goals. Identify several goals and practice making them SMART. Then, ask trusted colleagues or supervisors for feedback.

It Takes Time to Create SMART Goals

You’ll have conquered a significant part of the battle by getting good at setting your own SMART goals. It will be easier to coach and lead your direct reports to create their own because you’ll know what the end result should look like.

Having worked with hundreds of people to create SMART goals, setting a really strong SMART goal can take between 30-45 minutes. And that’s just for your own goals. Given that you’ll be helping someone else come up with one, plan on 45 minutes to an hour. So, be patient. As Einstein said, “If I had an hour to solve a problem I’d spend 55 minutes thinking about it and five minutes thinking about solutions.” This also applies to goal-setting: creating the right goal makes achieving it that much easier.

Coaching Others to Create SMART Goals

Now that you understand how to set goals and are prepared to take the time to get it right with your direct reports, let’s look at three key coaching principles that will help:

Let Your Direct Report Own the Goal: This isn’t your goal – it’s theirs. Help them come up with something that’s meaningful for them to achieve. This will increase both their buy-in and ownership of the goal. In turn, this increases the likelihood of them reaching it and wanting to go further.

Ask Powerful Questions: Help the direct report go deeper by asking questions. Why this goal? How can they be more specific? What would it mean to them to achieve the goal? What is under their control? Here are some questions I frequently use when coaching people to set goals:

• What’s an area of improvement that, if changed, would have the most impact on your success?
• What would I observe you doing when you’ve reached the goal?
• If your goal involves impacting something outside of yourself (other people, production, process improvement, etc.), what would change? What would we observe? Most importantly, what would YOU have to do to create that impact?

Plan for Follow Up: After the direct report comes up with a SMART goal, create a follow-up plan. How often will you check in with each other? What metrics will you use to track progress? How will you support the direct report? Accountability is key. However, remember that it’s their goal, not yours. Your job is to support, encourage, and help course-correct as needed.

Keys for Success When Setting Goals

Remember to take as much time as you need to get to the right goal. If you’ve mastered setting SMART goals for yourself, you’ll know the feeling when you nail it. Look for that same light to go on in your direct report. It will take some time, but the right goal goes a long way. The best part is that once both of you get the hang of it, creating future goals will be a snap.