If They’d Just Do It My Way!

When working with our opposites, it can be easy to focus on the negatives and get frustrated with each other. Sometimes we’re frustrated because they’re not taking on enough of our load. Other times they aren’t focusing on the things we think they should be focusing on. And, we might just be flat-out annoyed because they don’t do things the way that we do them.

Consider some common opposite work styles:

• Big-picture vs. detail-oriented
• Fast-paced vs. methodical
• Process-driven vs. outcome-driven
• People-focused vs. process-focused
• Logical vs. emotional

We’ve all probably had to work with our opposites throughout our lives. Unfortunately, we sometimes end up getting frustrated by our differences instead of finding ways to complement them. These missed opportunities result in wasted time, power struggles, and a lack of focus. Alternatively, if harnessed, they could be leveraged to create even more powerful results compared to working with people who are just like us.

Aligning Opposites

When opposites align, our collective capacity increases. Picture two halves of a circle. Halves that are identical overlap and only form a half-circle. Yet, halves that are opposite complete a whole circle. They offer much more because they’re bringing two completely different things to the table. Now put this in the context of a team and how many types of opposites are likely working together. Yikes!

Now, imagine two detail-oriented people working together compared to a detail-oriented and a big-picture person working together. The former might feel more familiar and comfortable, but it limits possibilities and potential. The latter, however, doubles your skillsets even if it might be more outside of your comfort zone. Together, it has the potential to create something greater than the whole.

To begin to tap into this potential when working with your opposite (or opposites when on a larger team), practice the following strategies:

1. Notice your differences and name them, both to yourself and your opposite. This helps make it easier to recognize and talk about them.
2. Recognize the value in your opposite. What can they do that you can’t? What’s easy for them that’s hard for you? What do they bring that adds more value compared to what you could do on your own (or with people who are only like you)?
3. Leverage your styles. Make a plan for how you can work effectively together while focusing your energy on your strengths. If you’re detail-oriented and your opposite is big-picture and you are working on a project together, have them focus more on the goals and objectives while you focus more on putting together the plan to get there. Get creative around how both of you can contribute towards the bigger goal.
4. Make light of your differences. Finding humor in your styles, such as by giving names to your opposite styles or outing yourself when you are getting too caught up in your style, can reduce the tension. Look for ways to appreciate your differences instead of anyone’s style being right/wrong or good/bad. This also helps to not take your differences too seriously.
5. Serve each other. Much like my teasing in the previous strategy can be a way to serve the other person to find balance, so can finding ways to contribute in ways that they can’t. For example, if you’re people-focused and they’re process-focused, offer to step in more to handle customer meetings, networking, and getting buy-in. Support them to do what they do best instead of expecting them to handle those types of situations. Connecting back to #3, make this part of an intentional plan between both of you instead of making assumptions or overstepping your bounds.

On a larger scale, these polarities can show up in systemic issues individualism vs. collectivism, liberal vs. conservative, or people vs. profit. I recommend checking out Barry Johnson’s work around Polarity Management for ways to navigate these types of polarities both in your organization and within your collective team.

What’s the Big Deal?

Dominant culture, especially organizational culture, places a lot of value on being in our heads. Intellectual intelligence, ideas, opinions, beliefs, rationality, and critical thinking are placed at a high premium. As such, we spend a lot of time and focus on what’s happening in our minds.

Being in your body means also giving value, time, and focus to what’s happening in our bodies. When coaching, I’ve been surprised at the number of clients who literally have no idea what’s happening below their neck. Even identifying an emotion or sensation seems foreign.

Our bodies contain a wealth of information, intelligence, and even keys to fulfillment. They can tell us about our needs, wants, and desires. They allow us to experience pleasure and connection. They provide clues around our health and well-being, such as signaling when something is out of balance or when we need to eat or sleep. Ignoring our bodies in favor of our minds is like ignoring the defense in favor of the offense in a sport or only paying attention to one piece of evidence while ignoring other pieces of evidence in a trial. We end up missing out on a lot of valuable information with the potential to dramatically change our experience.

Being in Your Body

Following are five simple ways to be in your body that you can do in less than one minute throughout the day:

1. Notice your body
   Scan your body from head to toe and identify sensations and emotions. Sensations might include itching, tingling, calmness, tension, or pain. You can also connect to sensation through the five senses, including food, music, and art. Emotions typically fall under larger buckets such as mad, sad, glad, scared, and shame. Challenge yourself to identify as many sensations and emotions as you can while expanding your emotional vocabulary. Also, pause to notice your breath without worrying if it’s right or wrong. Notice if it’s fast or slow, deep or shallow, or if you’re unconsciously holding your breath.
2. Feel your feelings
   We often go towards extremes of either repressing feelings or allowing them to take over. As the saying goes, “Emotions are like children: you don’t want them driving the car, but you don’t want to lock them in the trunk.” Instead, when you notice an emotion or feeling, simply feel it without needing to “do” anything with it. For example, if you feel tears coming on, let them come and notice them. If you feel angry, identify where you experience the anger in your body, pay attention to your breath, and feel the anger without saying or doing anything.
3. Move your body
   While regular and extended exercise is a great way to be in your body, you can also do small forms of movement throughout the day. Stretching, jumping up and down, singing, and intentionally taking deep breaths can be done frequently in as short as five seconds. Identify one calming form of movement and one energizing form of movement and practice it regularly.
4. Touch
   Touch is vital to our well-being. Studies show that babies can actually die without touch. Finding safe ways to experience healthy touch, even with something as simple as a handshake or hug, can help us connect more to our bodies. Of course, it’s important to honor your boundaries around what feels good to you. Identify some preferred forms of touch and seek them out. Remember that there are many non-human forms of touch, such as pets, plants (think gardening), or even sitting or walking on grass.
5. Empathize
   Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes can take you out of analysis, problem-solving, or judgment (all mental) and connect you to the physical.  When someone is sharing their experience or talking about something important to them, imagine what they might be feeling or experiencing, recall a time when you’ve had a similar experience, or notice your heartbeat. This can help you be in your own body while also being more connected to theirs.

Embodying “Being in Your Body”

There are many reasons why we might avoid being in our bodies. Cultural messages around emotions, shame and judgment around our bodies, lack of knowledge, or hyper-focus around mental abilities can cause us to disconnect or even momentarily forget that we even have a body! When being more in your body, buried emotions or experiences can surface. The more you can stay in your body with the above practices, even when you feel uncomfortable, the more easily you’ll get through them and uncover valuable wisdom, meaning, and connection. To go deeper into this practice, consider:

• What do you notice when you are more in your body?
• What might you gain from being more in your body?
• What approaches help you be more in your body, and how can you do more of them?
• What are some fears or challenges you have around being in your body?
• What other platitudes seem vague or confusing, and how can you learn more about what they really mean?

Fun Fact: This entire post came to me and was written in a dream, which is a first!

The Discomfort of Silence

For many people, silence can be uncomfortable. When silent by ourselves, we come face to face with our thoughts and feelings. When silent with others, we are confronted by just being instead of doing. In either case, we want to avoid this discomfort and find ways to distract. The downside is that we miss out on opportunities. We fail to leverage the power of silence and, in doing so, cut off access to a great source of power.

When we use the power of silence, we have the opportunity to:

• Pause from daily life
• Notice how we’re doing
• Reflect on deeper truths
• Increase awareness of what’s going on around us
• Listen
• Access wisdom

These benefits can help us solve problems, experience meaningful connection, access creativity, connect to the bigger picture, recognize wants and needs, align with purpose, and be more resilient, peaceful, and fulfilled.

Talking: The Enemy of Silence

One of the biggest enemies of silence is talking. Ironically, talking is a common Achilles heel of leaders. Some talk because they like hearing their own voice. Others talk because they are uncomfortable with silence. In some cases, talking is a way to avoid intimacy and being present with other people. For many leaders, it’s simply a habit developed over time and culturally reinforced: many people spend a lot more time talking than listening or being silent. Regardless of the reason, talking can cut us off from our personal power and effectiveness as leaders.

Consider some common workplace scenarios:

• A manager has a performance review with a direct report. The majority of the conversation involves the manager giving feedback, direction, and suggestions.
• Senior leaders brief their people on a new initiative. Over the course of an hour, they spend fifty minutes outlining details, telling personal stories that relate to the reason behind the initiative, giving directives, and sharing the consequences of not following the initiative. Although they allow ten minutes for questions, they only have time for one question because they spend most of that time responding with long answers and even more stories.
• A leader asks their team for ideas about a new solution. Almost immediately after asking, the leader proceeds to interrupt, argue, discount ideas, or move on before speakers even have a chance to finish their thoughts.

In all three examples, the conversations were one-sided. There was no room for hearing other perspectives, ideas, or needs. Solutions were handed down instead of co-created, resulting in less ownership and potential buy-in. Most of the information presented went over people’s heads, as they could only take in so much before their minds wandered elsewhere. People didn’t feel seen, valued or, in some cases, even needed at all.

The irony in such situations is that leaders then wonder why they struggle to get people engaged, bought-in, self-motivated, self-directed, creative, taking ownership, and not improving. They then might even blame others instead of noticing their own contribution.

Leveraging the Power of Silence

When leaders learn to embrace and use silence, new possibilities emerge. By providing spaciousness, reflective questions, and listening, there is room for something different to occur.

Using silence can take many forms, such as:

• Listening to someone speak without interrupting, commenting, correcting, or fixing the person
• Asking questions and allowing as much time as it takes for the other person to answer
• Allowing enough time for groups to ask questions without ending before everyone has a chance to ask questions
• Letting someone finish a thought, even if they pause while speaking
• Taking time each day to do nothing
• Going for a walk or spending time in nature without any distraction
• Using powerful questions to help people figure out their own solutions instead of taking over, giving direction, or telling them how you’d do it

In the examples above, performance reviews could consist of asking the direct report what their goals are, where they’re struggling, what their ideas are for improving, and what they need. Briefs could focus on sharing the “what” and engaging the group to come up with the “how.” Meetings could allow time for free brainstorming and sharing of ideas without interruption.

One senior leader I coached was quick to fill the silence with his direct reports by telling them what they should do. Instead of waiting for answers, he became impatient. If they didn’t seem to get what he was telling them or couldn’t do it fast enough, he’d take over and do the work for them. He was frustrated and wondered why his people weren’t developing.

As he explored his pattern of avoiding silence by being directive and taking over, he saw how much he was the cause of their issues. He started listening more, asking questions, letting his direct reports come up with solutions, and allowing them to struggle with figuring things out on their own. Not only did they start taking initiative and becoming more independent in their jobs, his own stress went way down and he had more time and energy for his own work. By using the power of silence, he gave ownership back to his people and provided the space for them to find their way.

Embracing Silence

To cultivate your own use of silence, consider the following questions:

• How do you typically respond to silence?
• In a typical conversation, how much time do you spend talking instead of listening?
• What strategies can you implement to use silence more often?
• Instead of telling someone what to do, what questions could you ask to help them discover their own answers?
• What would being silent look like for you, and how could you incorporate more silence in your life?

Supervisor: I have this really difficult employee who isn’t very good at this job, and I’ve had enough. He doesn’t complete tasks correctly, rubs his team the wrong way by making harsh comments, and leaves early. I think I’m going to have to fire him. (The employee takes a different approach than I would take, actually rubs me, not the team, the wrong way, and has only left early twice in the past two years.)

Colleague: Have you talked to him about it?

Supervisor: Yeah, I addressed it with him a couple of times and made suggestions for what he could do. (I once told him that “some people made comments about his performance and that he should be more aware of how he impacts others.” Another time, I made a light joke about how he communicates.)

Colleague: So that didn’t make any difference, even after giving him a development plan?

Supervisor: No, he just keeps doing the same things and doesn’t seem to get it. I’ve tried everything. He’s just a problem and is never going to get it. (I didn’t try anything except what I already told you, including giving him any sort of development plan.)

Unfortunately, these kinds of scenarios are more common than we’d like to admit. Employees receive little to no feedback, direct communication, or development plan. Supervisors then blame and ultimately punish the employee. The result? The employee pays for what is essentially the supervisor’s shortcomings and failure to do their own job. So does the company, who now loses an employee that could have easily been developed. All the initial time and resources that went into hiring, training, and learned knowledge is now for nothing, and the organization has to start over again from scratch.

The Role of Supervisor

One of the primary responsibilities of any supervisor is to develop people, not manage work. This is one trait that differentiates leading from managing. However, when supervisors default to managing and fail to develop people, the employee and the rest of the organization suffer. Common reasons why supervisors don’t provide this kind of feedback include:

• Fear of conflict
• Assuming that employees should just “get it” without needing to be told
• Laziness
• Focusing on other work instead
• Not knowing how to deliver feedback
• Hoping the problems will somehow correct themselves or just go away

Ironically, the only time the employee does get feedback is when the problems have built up to the point of disciplinary action or firing (and, even then, I’ve seen people either still not receive any feedback or only receive generic, superficial feedback).

By the time the problems have escalated, it’s usually too late to turn things around. To add insult to injury, the employee was never even given a chance to correct their behavior. They may have never even known there was a problem in the first place! Yet, they pay the price for the supervisor’s shortcomings while the supervisor isn’t held accountable.

On the other hand, when supervisors act like leaders, they recognize that, in many ways, the success or the failure of their employees depends on how they develop them. Whether it’s through coaching, mentoring, or providing regular feedback, it’s the supervisor’s job to help their people grow and succeed.

The Cost of Not Supervising

Supervision can be challenging. Between handling day-to-day tasks, tracking the team’s progress, managing work, being the go-between for their team and upper management, and other responsibilities, there is a lot to do. Already stressed, taking the time for an uncomfortable conversation can feel like too much.

Instead of providing feedback, supervisors tend to go to either end of the spectrum by being too hands-off and avoiding meaningful interaction or being too hands-on and doing the person’s work for them. Both strategies ultimately fail to develop people and help them learn the necessary skills to succeed in their jobs.

Although there are likely “good” reasons for not having these conversations, the cost of not having them can be far greater:

• Continued mistakes resulting in damage to the organization, people, products, or processes
• Employees not feeling valued or invested in, and ultimately quitting or feeling resentful
• Behaviors continue and impact other team members, who then get derailed doing damage control, avoiding the person, or quitting
• Doing extra work and/or buffering to overcompensate for the person’s shortcomings or mistakes
• Built-up resentment and stress
• Unloading all at once at performance reviews, which erodes trust, gives no opportunity for improvement, and is typically too little, too late

Again, it’s the supervisor’s responsibility to give feedback. Regardless of reasons not to, it’s crucial to take the time and effort to provide direct, specific, and ongoing feedback. Anything less is a setup for potential failure.

Providing Feedback

Although there are many best practices for providing effective feedback, the bottom line is to start doing it. Whether you give feedback in the moment, as part of regular 1:1 conversations, written or verbal, or for groups or for individuals, it’s crucial to look for opportunities.

Feedback doesn’t have to be negative or constructive. In fact, providing significantly more positive feedback than negative feedback will yield much better results. (Marriage expert John Gottman suggests a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in marriage, and the same ratio could be applied when providing feedback at work. That said, counting your ratio or forcing positive feedback will only come across as insincere and ultimately backfire, so use the ratio as a rough estimate. Hint: frequently look for wins or successes, no matter how small, and acknowledge them.) Another benefit to emphasizing positive feedback is that it builds trust, which ultimately makes it easier when the time comes to deliver constructive feedback.

When you prioritize giving feedback, your job actually becomes easier. By swapping short-term pain for long-term gain, your team will become stronger, more independent, and higher-performing. You’ll free up time by not constantly putting out fires, your overall stress will decrease, you’ll gain respect and trust from your people, and you’ll boost morale and loyalty. To get started, reflect on the following:

• What might you gain by providing ongoing feedback?
• What keeps you from providing regular feedback to your direct reports or colleagues?
• Instead of giving feedback, do you tend to either keep a distance from your people or overcompensate by doing work for them? How could you find more balance?
• What specific feedback would you give current direct reports or colleagues?
• What positive, genuine, “low-hanging fruit” feedback can you provide on a regular basis?

The Impact of Silence

On a given day, there are many opportunities to use your voice. Consider some common scenarios:

• An employee has a co-worker who frequently interrupts them with questions and personal stories. Instead of talking to the co-worker, the employee complains about the person to other co-workers, who commiserate and laugh. The employee puts up a wall with their co-worker, but underneath feels ongoing resentment and irritation.
• Managers are required to conduct ongoing tasks that they think are inefficient and unimportant. Although they have some great ideas on how to both improve upon and reduce the tasks, they just vent to each other, make sarcastic comments, and go through the motions.
• A team thinks their meetings are a waste of time. Their boss, who leads the meetings, doesn’t stick to the agenda, monologues, and doesn’t seem to have a purpose for the meeting. When the boss asks for feedback, people are either silent or just say that everything’s good. Afterward, however, the team gets together to gossip about how bad the meetings are.
• An employee is late to work almost every day, but their boss is afraid to address the issue directly. Instead, they make jokes and indirect comments like “Guess you had more important things to do this morning” or “Gee, thanks for showing up today.” Both the boss and team are resentful, but the boss seems to think that things could be worse and that the employee will eventually get the message.
• A leader is excited about a new policy change that they believe will make customers happy. However, the people on the front lines, who have direct experience, know better. Instead of saying anything, they undermine the policy and have a negative attitude, which results in increased reprimands and conflict with management.

In each of the scenarios, the outcome is the same: nothing changes. Whether the consequences are major or minor, people experience an ongoing baseline of negativity that makes their lives worse, not better.

The “Buts” of Silence

Before talking about what we can do to speak up, the first thing I often hear are the “buts” that justify not saying anything. Reasons such as:

• “It doesn’t make any difference”
• “I’ll get in trouble”
• “No one will listen”
• “It’s easier not to say anything”
• “If I do, they’ll just ____”
• “I already know what’s going to happen”
• “I don’t want to rock the boat”
• “It’s not my place”
• “They won’t like me”

In some cases, such as in toxic work environments, these reasons could be justified. In these instances, getting some objective perspectives from people you trust can help you discern what action to take. However, more often than not, these “buts” are reasons to avoid putting ourselves out there. Not only that, our negative experiences are typically not reflective of the fact that we spoke up – they are reflective of how we spoke up. With practice, however, we can both cultivate the courage and the skill to use our voice effectively.

Finding Your Voice

When we choose to speak up, we create opportunities for things to change. However, the keyword is choice. If we do nothing, nothing is likely to change. By being more proactive and making the choice to use your voice, you step into leadership. Here are some tools you can use to find your voice:

• Not live with deficiencies. One of the principles in the Nuclear Navy to ensure safety, developed by Admiral Hyman Rickover, is not living with deficiencies. This principle applies to all aspects of our lives. Whether it’s tolerating someone who bothers us, tolerating having our time wasted, or tolerating meaningless tasks, we can choose to not live with these deficiencies and make the choice to do something about them. Be honest with yourself and acknowledge the impact of not saying anything.
• See the possibilities. When people consider speaking up they imagine all the things that could go wrong instead of what could potentially go right. Considering positive outcomes can help us be more courageous. We also tend to focus on what we don’t like or want instead of what we do want. Getting clear on the desired outcome helps us, and others, move towards something new.
• Assume ignorance. We tend to think that people are deliberately behaving in ways to annoy us. Yet, most of the time, they are simply unaware. Do leaders set out to hold boring meetings? To waste time and money? To take ineffective approaches? Typically, no. Think of times when someone has pointed out something in yourself that you were completely unaware of.Unless someone tells us otherwise, we have no reason to think we’re doing anything wrong and will continue the behavior. Therefore, it’s our job to help them become aware. When approaching them, however, if you think someone is intentionally behaving in a particular way and approach them with this attitude, the conversation is unlikely to go well. If, however, you assume they are unaware, you can approach them with more empathy, which makes it much more likely that they’ll receive the message.
• Use questions and suggestions to manage up. When communicating with leaders above us, it’s wise to consider our approach. Instead of direct confrontation or giving direction, we can speak up by using questions or suggestions. For example, it probably won’t go over well to tell your boss that a meeting is a waste of time. However, using questions (in a neutral, curious tone) such as “What is the purpose for our meeting today?”, “Can I share an idea I’ve got?”, or “What are some actions we can take between now and the next meeting?” are non-threatening and still address the topic. Additionally, sharing the why can help others understand where you’re coming from.

I also suggest taking advantage of books like Crucial Conversations and Difficult Conversations, both of which include great suggestions. In addition, here are some questions to consider:

• What are your reasons for not speaking up? What is the impact of not doing so?
• What are some positive outcomes that could come from speaking up?
• When speaking up, what outcome would you like to see? How can you share that outcome with others?
• What would it take for a situation to become painful enough for you to speak up? How can you hold yourself accountable to keep it from getting to that point?

For better or worse, being able to hear hard feedback is essential for strengthening our leadership. Fortunately, with practice, we can learn to develop this skill and use it to our advantage.

The Impact of Not Hearing Feedback

Not being able to hear hard feedback can have severe consequences. Whether or not the feedback is accurate, both how we’re able to use the feedback and how we respond to the messenger have an impact. Some consequences include:

• Harming others, often unintentionally
• Missing crucial information
• Missing opportunities
• Becoming stagnant
• Breaking trust
• Isolating yourself
• Alienating others

Sometimes, the feedback that is hardest to hear is the feedback that we most need to grow ourselves, our people, or our organization.

Recognizing Your Personal Response to Hard Feedback

We each react differently to hard feedback, typically in one of three ways: fight, flight, or freeze. Although some people have developed this muscle to some degree, every person I’ve worked with has moments of not being able to receive feedback. The first step is recognizing your style:

Fight may look like attacking, arguing, or pointing out the other person’s flaws.

Flight may look like agreeing too easily, exaggerating what the person is really saying, beating yourself up, justifying, or minimizing.

Freeze may look like shutting down, ignoring, taking the feedback personally, denying, or becoming defensive.

These aren’t cut and dried categories. Some may overlap, and you might have several styles. What’s most important is identifying your personal reaction to hard feedback, however that may look.

Putting Hard Feedback in Perspective

One of the things that makes feedback hard to hear is when we make it define who we. When this happens, thoughts pop up like, “I’m a bad person,” “I’m not good enough,” “I’m too ____ (insert judgment here),” “I’m going to get in trouble,” “There’s something wrong with me,” and so on.

These thoughts are usually unconscious, but the feelings are obvious if you pause and notice them. For example, you might feel angry, upset, tense, or hurt. You might notice the urge to retaliate, hide, or become tongue-tied. These are some signs that you are likely experiencing some form of shame, which is ultimately what makes the feedback hard to hear.

Instead, if you can see the feedback as pointing to a behavior rather than defining who you are, you can respond differently.

For example, let’s say someone calls you a racist, says you’re a terrible speaker, or thinks you’re too nosy. Instead of taking it personally and using the feedback to define who you are (regardless of what the other person thinks), you can explore the behavior that gives this impression.

There is a difference between being a racist versus unknowingly making a racist comment, being a terrible speaker versus talking too fast, or being a nosy person versus asking a lot of questions. Most of us are probably guilty of these kinds of behaviors at some point. When you can separate the behavior from the judgment, you can use the feedback to your advantage. However, because some people are unskilled at delivering feedback, we need to do this “internal translation” ourselves in order to make use of it (I’ll cover how to deliver hard feedback in a future post).

Of course, this is more easily said than done. However, as you practice not letting the feedback define you and focus on the underlying behaviors, you can learn to take the feedback less personally and proactively make use of it. To make this practice easier, there are two questions that can help you.

Two Questions to Ask Yourself When Receiving Hard Feedback

Not all feedback is accurate. Often, however, there is a grain of truth or perception that points to a deeper truth. To tease this out, here are two questions you can ask yourself when receiving hard feedback:

1. What if the feedback were actually true?
2. What do you take the feedback to mean about you?

Our initial response to hard feedback is to resist it. The first question allows you to embrace it, if only for a moment. This doesn’t mean accepting it as truth – it means imagining what it would be like if it were true. Just like playing a game of “let’s pretend,” pretend the feedback is true and notice where it takes you.

The second question then helps explore your reaction to the feedback and what makes it so hard for you to hear. When asking this question, you can explore your resistance, self-judgments, or defensiveness. Instead of going into fight, flight, or freeze, you can begin to separate your behaviors from what you think the feedback means about you.

Going back to the previous examples, what if you really were using racist language, talking too fast, or asking a lot of questions? Asking these two questions helps identify these behaviors and change them. Ultimately, would you rather continue behavior that has a negative impact, or address and change it?

One leader I coached consistently received feedback that he was abrasive, a micromanager, and didn’t listen. When I first started coaching him he justified ways that these things weren’t true. He turned it back on his co-workers by saying that they were too sensitive and unable to get their work done unless he was constantly following up with them. Needless to say, his response wasn’t helping anyone.

As we worked together, he began to realize that he was taking the feedback to mean that he was a bad leader. He thus felt the need to prove he was a good leader by denying negative feedback. When he began to realize that his negative behavior didn’t negate his good behavior, and when he realized that he could instead see himself as a good leader with some negative behaviors, he was more able to change those behaviors. This made it easier for him to see the impact he was having on others because he stopped focusing on defending himself. Of course, this made work more pleasant and productive for everyone, including the leader.

Steps to Get the Most Out of Hard Feedback

These practices are hard for most people. They take time, practice, and persistence. To help, here are some additional tools you can use to hear hard feedback:

• Breathe. Whether we go to fight, flight, or freeze, we either constrict our breathing or pant. Therefore, simply taking some deep breaths will help you move into the fourth option, free. When you can respond instead of react, you have the freedom to both better hear what’s really being said and be more curious about the feedback.
• Ask Questions: We often take feedback at face value and immediately react. Instead, you can ask questions to dig deeper, get more information, and hopefully identify the behaviors you’re demonstrating. “What am I doing that makes you think that?”, “How does that impact you?”,” or “What do you mean by that?” are a few questions that can help provide concrete information for you to act upon.
• Acknowledge: Showing that you have heard the feedback and are considering it helps build trust and open the door for future communication. This doesn’t mean agreeing with the feedback – it means you being willing to explore it.

Additionally, consider the following questions:

• What counter-productive strategies do you use when you hear hard feedback (attacking, arguing, defending, etc.)?
• What makes the feedback hard to hear?
• What might be true about the feedback?
• What skills help you hear hard feedback?
• What feedback have you recently received that you could revisit and potentially learn from?

The Line Between Hard Feedback and Abuse

Lastly, hearing hard feedback is different than tolerating abuse, violence, or cruelty. This is especially true if you belong to a group that is typically subjected to attack, such as racial or gender groups, or those who aren’t in a position of power. If this occurs in the workplace, seek help from HR or someone you trust. If this occurs in a personal relationship, do what is necessary to take care of yourself, whether it’s getting support, setting a boundary, or removing yourself from the situation.

This can sometimes be a hard line to discern. In such cases, asking the person a question such as “What is your intention for telling me this?” can help clarify where they are coming from and help you clarify that line.

The Impact of Poorly Handling Complaints and Feedback

Poorly handling information, whether from employees or customers, can have long-term consequences. It can lead to people being unwilling to speak up, losing business, creating a culture of mistrust and negativity, missing out on opportunities, or negative reviews. It’s more common than you might think: a recent article says that 70% of businesses ignore customer complaints on Twitter.

Needless to say, none of us want or can afford these experiences. Ironically, however, many leaders are unaware of how they might be creating them. For example:

• Many managers I’ve coached have shared ideas and feedback with senior leaders and received negative responses. These responses ranged from mocking, berating, shaming, or ignoring. For some, after even one instance, the managers decided the best course of action was to mostly be silent and only speak when asked to speak. Even then, they shared as little as possible.
  The impact? Lack of engagement and missing out on ideas.
• One leader I worked for received multiple complaints about the company’s services. The leader found ways to minimize the complaints and turn the complaints into the faults of both the customers and the staff. Of course, the problems didn’t go away and eventually, there was an investigation.
  The impact? Lost customers, bad publicity, turnover, and the leader eventually being fired for not fixing the issues.
• We recently explored a potential housing opportunity that seemed more suspicious over time. We were initially very excited about it and then became concerned. To verify, I contacted a local real estate agent. He confirmed our suspicion was true, which made me both angry and disappointed. Meanwhile, he was laughing and making light of it, which I found both infuriating and odd. My wife later asked me if I inquired about other similar genuine opportunities (before I told her how he responded), but I told her that I had no interest in working with him after that conversation.
  The impact? Lost business for him.

The Don’ts of Handling Complaints and Feedback

In the above examples, we just saw some don’ts around handling complaints and feedback. To recap what not to do, and add a few more, don’t:

• Mock the person or their feedback (such as by laughing or teasing)
• Minimize their experience (“it’s not that bad”, “get over it”)
• Insult or be rude
• Ignore (not take action around the complaint or feedback or deny that it’s an issue)
• Lie (say you’ll do something about it while having no intention of doing so)
• Tell the person they’re wrong (“no one else has this problem”)
• Not follow up (say you’ll do something about it but not let the person know what happened)

These don’ts don’t just apply to you. They apply to everyone in your organization. If you are in any kind of leadership position, it’s important that other people know how to respond appropriately to complaints and feedback. Don’t take it for granted that people are good at using these skills. Many will likely need training, coaching, and mentoring to develop them.

The Do’s of Handling Complaints and Feedback

Now that you know the don’ts, let’s look at the do’s. Here are some simple guidelines that you can follow:

1. Listen. This includes confirming that you understand the complaint or feedback and have heard it accurately. Paraphrasing and verbal and/or non-verbal responses can validate that you’ve listened and understand.
2. Acknowledge. Communicate that you get the significance of the complaint or feedback to the person. This is different than agreeing with the person – it’s showing that you get where they’re coming from. Empathy can be helpful here. A sincere “wow,” “I get where you’re coming from,” or “I understand why that’s upsetting to you” goes a long way (again, as you as you’re sincere; insincerity will likely cost you double).
3. Resolve. Take action to handle the complaint or feedback. This might include passing along the information to the proper people, getting the necessary approval to take action, or resolving it yourself.
4. Follow-up. Of the four steps, this step often gets missed the most. If you can’t resolve the situation at the moment, communicate what action you will take and how and when you’ll get back to them. Of course, then circle back to the person when the action has been completed and/or resolved, or to give a status update (even if the answer is no). Otherwise, people have no way of knowing whether their feedback made any difference (or if you just told them what they wanted to hear). If they don’t know, they are less likely to try again in the future (or think you blew them off).

A Final Caveat for Handling Complaints and Feedback

At this point, students and clients often ask something like, “But what if I don’t agree with the complaint or feedback, or nothing can be done about it?”

There are always going to be more complaints or feedback than we can act upon or agree with. In such cases, steps one and two above still apply. After taking those steps, you can use a combination of these approaches:

1. Apologize. A simple “I’m really sorry, but there’s nothing I can do or that can be done” shows that you care. Again, sincerity is key, both in your apology and that nothing can or will be done.
2. Appreciate. Thank the person for sharing what’s on their mind. If relevant, let them know that you’ll consider their feedback. Or, if you can’t or won’t do anything about their feedback or complaint right now, communicate that you’re still open to hearing more feedback from them in the future. (How well you do Steps 1 and 2, along with how sincere you are, will demonstrate that you are truly open to more feedback in the future.)
3. Discuss. Instead of a hard “no,” perhaps there is another solution. Explore alternative solutions, ask what they want or need, and ask questions to learn more. Curiosity and openness often lead to creative solutions that benefit everyone.
4. Share the “why.” If the answer is no or nothing can or will be done, explain why is as much detail as you can.

I’ve actually had positive experiences when I’ve been particularly upset and nothing could or would be done. In each case, the formula of sincerity, a strong effort to help, looking for alternate solutions, and follow-through made all the difference. Think back on your own experiences – what’s made the difference for you when sharing your own complaints or feedback?

Got any tips or insights? Share them in the comments below!

“Why listening?” you ask? Read on to find out why listening is the most important skill leaders can learn and some principles you can use to improve your listening.

The Power of Listening

Listening is powerful. Take a moment and recall a time when someone gave you their undivided attention and really listened to you? They weren’t on their phone. They weren’t multi-tasking. They didn’t appear to be nodding in the right places and doing rote paraphrasing. They were completely present with you, appearing to hang on every word you said. Remember how you felt?

If you’re like most people I know, you probably felt heard. Seen. Appreciated. Like you mattered to that person. Like you walked away feeling refreshed, clear, perhaps lighter. As if that weren’t enough of a reason why I believe listening is the most important skill leaders can use, consider some common potential consequences of not listening:

• Missing important communications that cause you to be unprepared
• Improperly following directions that result in having to do re-work
• Alienating key stakeholders that leads to broken trust
• Being unclear around expectations that creates confusion, false assumptions, and mistakes
• Not understanding stakeholder needs that leave behind missed opportunities
• Being on a different page from your team so that everyone goes in different directions and/or does redundant work

The Impact of Not Listening

The cost of these consequences can be quite severe. Not listening can result in irreparable broken trust, significant financial loss, wasted time and energy, and downright chaos. Therefore, it’s crucial to not only learn to be a good listener, but a great listener.

Recently I was reminded of the consequences of not listening when hearing an all-too-familiar story of what happens when leaders don’t listen. In this case, a senior leader was asked to share her perceptions and observations of the workforce. After sharing them, leadership responded by saying, “that’s not what we see” and proceeded to tell her why she was wrong. You can imagine how much trust this broke and lack of respect this person left with as a result of this conversation.

Unfortunately, this story isn’t unique. It’s impactful enough when leaders just don’t listen – it’s even more impactful when they seek subjective information and then argue about it. The impact of not listening doesn’t just stop there. When leadership doesn’t listen to stakeholders, they miss out on vital information and opportunities for growth. This is especially ironic given that, in my experience, stakeholders have a much more accurate sense of reality than leadership because they engage with the product or customer every day. The information they need is right at their fingertips – and they overlook it because they don’t want to listen.

Learning to Listen

There are many books and articles out there on how to be a better listener. Rather than retread the same territory, here are four key principles to keep in mind that will immediately improve your listening:

1. Set a strong intention
   Choice is always a fundamental component of change. To be a better listener, you first have to choose to be a better listener. When someone is speaking, start by setting a strong intention to fully listen to what is being said.
   Key Question: How do I want to listen in this conversation?
2. Be curious
   When you’re listening to someone, are you already thinking you know what they’re going to say, that they’re not going to say anything important, or judging them? Consider the metaphor of a cup. If the cup is full, there is no capacity for more. When you come with an empty cup, there is space to be filled. Cultivate curiosity by listening with an empty cup and asking questions to learn more.
   Key Question: What can I learn from this conversation or about this person?
3. Care
   OK – so you might not really care all that much about the person or the conversation. Truth be told, it’s unreasonable to expect that we always will. However, what you should at least care about are the potential consequences of not listening. Refer to the list above and notice the cost of not caring. That said, not caring is often a symptom of engaging with a full cup. Instead of casually dismissing someone, empty your cup, see the humanity in the person, and look for something to care about.
   Key Question: What might be important about this conversation?
4. Stay present
   Does your mind wander when you listen? Are you judging the person? Is your response already being formulated before the person even finishes their thought? Staying present starts with being aware. Notice what is keeping you from being present so you can start to address and change it.
   Key Question: What am I focusing on instead of listening, and what can I focus on instead to listen better?

Playing the Guessing Game

Consider what the assumptions might be in these real-life scenarios:

• An employee continually tried to please her boss. She put in a lot of extra hours, tore her hair out re-writing draft after draft of everything she wrote, had her phone on at all times, and gave her boss status updates every day.
• A team was working on a major presentation for an idea to pitch to senior management. They collected facts, figures, and an abundance of financial data and statistics because they thought it would convince management to support their idea.
• A young employee had major career aspirations. He took every training he could, constantly networked, and looked for opportunities to show off his accomplishments to people in the company who he thought might hire him.

You might be thinking, “OK, so what? These are things that most employees should be doing. What’s the problem?” The problem is that, in all three cases, each person was making incorrect assumptions and trying to guess what others wanted.

The Truth Behind Assumptions

Let’s look at the assumptions everyone was making in the above examples:

• For the employee who was trying to please her boss, the boss doesn’t care that much about extra work and minute details. In fact, the boss appreciated employees who strove for a work-life balance and spent time with their families. The boss also appreciated people who presented new ideas and who were willing to respectfully question her ideas. Because the employee was focused on pleasing, she never stopped to notice what the boss really wanted.
• In the team’s presentation, although senior management appreciated some data, what they really valued were case studies and anecdotes. They don’t want numbers thrown at them – they wanted to engage and dialogue with the team. It was important for them to get a sense that the team could tell a story to engage people, not bombard them with data. Senior management didn’t buy into the idea.
• The young employee didn’t realize that there were many steps he needed to go through to even get close to the position he wanted. Because of his lack of experience, it would have taken him years to get to the position he wanted based on tenure at the company. Although he was learning useful skills, they weren’t directly relevant to what he needed to learn based on his position and his pushiness turned people off.

I frequently see people make assumptions like these. They spend a lot of time putting energy into what they think people want, only to find out that they were way off course. Or, even worse, they never find out and make even more assumptions around how difficult or wrong the other person is.

A Simple Way to Stop Making Assumptions

How can we stop engaging in this dance? It’s simple:

Ask.

Ironically, perhaps because it’s so simple, many people don’t even consider it. I’ve seen people literally try one failed strategy after another because they keep trying to guess what the other person wants. Eventually, they either give up, the relationship gets strained beyond repair, or they stew in feelings of resentment and bitterness.

Instead of going around in endless circles, you have a choice. When you embark on a new project, relationship, or role, you can initiate a conversation and ask what the other person is looking for and what their expectations might be. Ask enough questions to make sure you’re clear. Along the way, if it seems like you’re off, you can go back and ask again until you get on track.

The same works in reverse: you can also state your expectations and what you’re looking for with people who work for you. This will prevent them from playing the guessing game and ensure you’re on the same page.

If you do find yourself trying to get someone’s approval, buy-in, or meet their expectations without success, consider that you’re probably making assumptions about what they want. This is a good clue to have a conversation before going any further.

Alternatives to the Guessing Game

Let’s go back one last time and look at how asking these questions would have saved everyone a lot of heartburn:

• The employee could have sat down with her boss and asked the boss to share her standards and expectations. She could have shared what she wanted (to please her boss, get a promotion, excel in her job) and asked the boss how she could accomplish those things.
• The team could have asked someone from senior management (or colleagues who presented in the past) what kind of information and style they look for in presentations. They could have asked what criteria management uses to make decisions, then designed their presentation to showcase that information.
• The young employee could have shared his goals with someone from HR or a similar department and asked what path he could take to get there. He could have asked hiring managers what they look for when making hiring decisions and sought out leaders at the appropriate level for his next position.

Fortunately, you can avoid the guessing game and cut to the chase. Consider the following questions and take action:

• Whose approval, buy-in, or expectations am I not successfully getting and what assumptions might I be making around what they want?
• When thinking of supervisors, clients, or colleagues, what clarity do I need in order to give them what they want?
• Who might be trying to meet my own expectations, wants, or needs without success? What information can I provide to ensure they are successful?

Common Reasons Why People Don’t Speak Up

As I mentioned, there are no one-size-fits-all answers to why people don’t engage. However, based on my experience working with countless teams and feedback I hear from colleagues, peers, and stakeholders, here are some common reasons:

• Not Listening
  Some leaders just flat-out don’t listen. Literally. They’re on their phones, tuned out, distracted, or not hearing anything that’s being said. When people don’t think you’re listening, they don’t think it’s worth speaking.
• Shutting People Down
  Arguing, dismissing, judging, belittling, and criticizing are some ways that leaders shut people down. This could look like telling someone they’re making too big a big deal out of an issue, saying that someone’s idea is stupid or mocking it, or not acknowledging someone’s comment and quickly moving on.
• Paying Lip Service
  Some leaders attend lots of training and know all the “right” ways to act, but can fall into the habit of going through the motions. They might nod, paraphrase, and praise, but it can come off as insincere and manipulative. On some occasions, leaders will use these techniques to convince people that they care when they really don’t. Leaders don’t think people will notice, but they pretty much always see right through it.
• Not Taking Action
  There are many times when leaders will ask for feedback and ideas but don’t follow through with them. The feedback either goes into the ethers, isn’t acknowledged, or implemented. Or, leaders will ask for ideas and then just go with their own. People then wonder why they were asked in the first place.

The Underlying Reason Behind Why People Don’t Speak Up

The thread that runs through the above reasons is a lack of trust in leadership. People don’t trust that they are heard, that they matter, that there won’t be negative consequences for speaking up, that they’re supported, or that leaders sincerely care.

Over time, people shut down. They don’t see any value in sharing or speaking up. If you find yourself facing this situation, chances are high that you exhibit some form of the above behaviors and probably don’t realize it. You’ve most likely somehow broken trust. As a litmus test, the degree of which people don’t engage is often proportionate to how much they do or don’t trust you.

Getting People to Speak Up

Trust is easy to break, but hard to fix. There are no silver bullets. It will take consistent effort over time for people to feel safe enough to share. It is possible, so long as you are committed to looking at yourself and changing your behaviors instead of trying to change everyone else’s. Here are some ways you can rebuild trust and encourage people to speak up:

• Fearlessly Self-Reflect: Using the above behaviors as a reference, notice which ones may be true for you. Perhaps you are enacting them in more subtle ways. Or, maybe there are other ways you don’t realize you’re behaving. Regardless, ask yourself what you might be doing that contributes to people not speaking up and be willing to look at yourself.
• Take Ownership: When you do notice your behaviors, own up to them. Acknowledge them both to yourself and others, and commit to doing something about them. Publicly naming your behavior and what you intend to do about it can be powerful and create immediate changes in the group. It also gives people context for your changes so they don’t wonder what you’re up to.
• Demonstrate Your Commitment: It’s one thing to say you’re going to change; it’s another to actually change. Create a plan to change your behavior and follow-through with it. One of the most damaging things you can do is say you’ll do things differently and then fall back on old habits. This hurts your credibility and makes it less likely that people will trust you the next time you say you’ll do something.