Answer: Who knows? (Read on for the “correct” answer.)

Mushy Decision Making

Approximations of the dynamic in the above scenario when making decisions are quite common. Typically, such scenarios later result in one or more of the following symptoms:

• A team member gets upset and says, “I never agreed to that!”
• A team member follows up with the team and asks if they had in fact made a decision, which then causes confusion and further discussion amongst the team around what the decision was
• Revisiting the same topic at another meeting because it wasn’t clear what had been decided
• Nothing changes and no one brings it up again; the discussion was for nothing
• The team goes back to the drawing board because no one is clear if they had agreed to even change the meeting time in the first place, or if they were just trying to decide on the new proposed time

Clear decisions are crucial for growth and success. Clear action is preceded by a clear decision. Without clear action, real impact, change, or success is limited.

The above scenario is based on a rather simple and low-impact decision. Now, consider the many decisions teams and organizations need to make on a regular basis and imagine the impact such mushiness has on an organization’s productivity, effectiveness, and morale. The results aren’t pretty.

The Signs of Clear Decisions

Pop Quiz #2: Look at your current work team. Do you know when your team has made a decision? If yes, what objective signs tell you that your team has made a decision?

Amongst the teams I’ve consulted with or coached, most aren’t able to say yes. If they do, when I ask for objective signs that they’ve made a decision, they typically stumble around for a minute before realizing that they really don’t know.

The bottom line is this: unless every team member can answer yes and explain their process for making decisions, the team doesn’t have a clear process.

Making the Decision to Make Clear Decisions

It’s not enough to have a clear process for making decisions. Unless everyone knows what the process is, some of the above symptoms will surface. Therefore, two elements are crucial for making clear decisions:

• A clear decision-making process needs to be established
• Everyone involved must know what the process is

Circling back to our initial scenario and Pop Quiz #1, was the decision made? Assuming everyone knew the process, if the process only required two people on the team to verbally say yes, then the decision was made. If the process was by majority vote and silence equals consent, then the decision was made. And so on. However, my guess is that based on your and my experience of similar scenarios, no clear decision was made.

The process itself for making decisions ultimately doesn’t matter, nor do teams need to use the same process every time. Whether it’s by consensus, majority, autocracy, or any other process, what most matters is that the two decision-making elements above are used for any decision. Ultimately, the team leader will decide and is responsible for making sure everyone on the team knows what that process is. That said, some processes are better suited for certain types of decisions or teams, so it’s important to choose thoughtfully. Check out this article for examples of decision-making styles, including the advantages and disadvantages of each.

Questions for reflection:

• If you aren’t the team lead, how can you influence establishing a clear process for making decisions?
• What decision-making processes would generally best suit your team?
• What benefits could incorporating the two decision-making elements have for your team and/or organization?

Head Down: Lack of Leadership

The “Head-Down” state mirrors what might happen when your head is physically down: limited awareness, self-focus, stuck in thought, being closed off to what’s around you, only seeing the small picture, and focusing on short-term goals. Imagine trying to lead a group of people while keeping your head down the entire time. How effective might you be?

Head-Down is also metaphorical for the state of keeping your head down. In this state, the capacity for leadership becomes limited. Behaviors might include:

• Focusing on the parts instead of the whole
• Sacrificing long-term pain for short-term gain
• Excluding others, not considering and/or recognizing bias and its impact
• Not having long-term goals or strategies
• Moving quickly to action without clear objectives
• Overemphasis on completing tasks and getting things done
• Not seeing or recognizing people, including their talents, strengths, accomplishments, contributions, or humanity
• Lack of inspiration or motivation
• Checking out
• Giving up easily and/or making excuses
• Lack of accountability

These behaviors inhibit our leadership. Therefore, it’s important to catch ourselves when we are engaged in them so we can make choices that align with how we want to lead.

Head-Up: Conscious Leadership

As you might have guessed, “Head-Up” is the opposite state of leadership. Head-up behaviors are indicative of thoughtful, intentional leadership that creates change and engages others. Behaviors might include:

• Seeing how all the parts connect and impact one another
• Serving others
• Making informed decisions and choices
• Examining and counteracting bias and its impact
• Seeing the whole picture and having an expansive vision
• Noticing what needs attention and responding to it
• Considering how your actions impact others and the system
• Taking right and aligned action
• Thinking and behaving inclusively
• Being resilient, agile, and emotionally intelligent
• Correlating the cause and effect between the system and the individual
• Continuously improving self, others, processes, and systems

These behaviors strengthen our leadership. They are also within our control, which means that we can choose to enact them. Additionally, catching ourselves “doing something right” can be rewarding and affirm our effort and development as a leader.

Head-Up or Head-Down: Which Will You Choose?

Using “Head-Up/Head-Down” to assess your leadership is simple: in any given moment, ask yourself “Is my head up or down right now?” Although your literal physical posture can be a good indicator, use this question to assess your internal or external leadership approach.

We don’t even need to memorize all of the exact behaviors that fall under Head-Up or Head-Down. When we take a moment to pause and reflect, it’s generally obvious which state we’re enacting. For example, behaviors like holding tension, negativity, blaming, not following through, gossiping, shutting others out, rushing, or acting out of fear are easy to notice in a given moment and indicate Head-Down. Behaviors like empathizing, considering consequences, positivity, connecting, giving constructive feedback, being transparent, checking our bias, and developing a plan indicate Head-Up. With only two categories to choose from, almost all behaviors fall neatly into one of the two. This makes it easy to identify the behavior and take immediate and appropriate action.

Upon getting a clear answer, we can then choose to continue leveraging Head-Up or change our behavior if it’s Head-Down. In addition to its simplicity, the good news is that we can ask the question as many times as we want throughout the day without needing to remember any fancy or complex leadership philosophies.

To use this practice effectively, consider:

• What are some common behaviors that you associate with Head-Up? With Head-Down?
• What will help you remember to ask, “Is my head up or down right now” throughout the day?
• When you catch yourself in “Head-Down,” what would help you shift your state?

In a culture ruled by logic and reason, it’s tempting to play it safe and rely solely on what we know. Without evidence to justify or explain a decision, people might be likely to reject or even ridicule our choices. However, the irony I’ve noticed in my work with clients is that we often instinctively know the right choice – we’re just afraid to make it. Making those choices ultimately isn’t about having evidence or using logic – it’s about having the courage to trust your gut.

Mind Over Matter Instinct

Trusting your gut can be scary. It involves against the grain of cultural norms such as needing proof, reason, and validation. It also means trusting our bodies over our minds, the latter of which is generally more revered in our society. When using instinct to make a decision, we might use strategies like:

• Second-guessing and questioning ourselves
• Minimizing and giving it less credibility
• Ridiculing and telling ourselves that we’re being silly
• Panicking and playing it safe
• Psyching ourselves out

In the end, we spend a lot of time losing sleep, agonizing, and twisting ourselves in knots. Instead of tuning into our inner voice, body wisdom, or sixth sense, we can make decisions harder than they need to be.

Learning to trust your gut isn’t necessarily the right or only way for every decision – it’s just a powerful and underutilized approach to add to your decision-making repertoire. When making decisions that directly impact people, such as hiring, promoting, and selecting people for opportunities, objective data is crucial to counteract racial, gender, affinity, and other types of bias. In such cases, our unconscious preferences can (and often do) masquerade as gut or instinct. When making those types of decisions, slowing down, using objective criteria, and getting input from multiple perspectives is important to promote equity. However, for many other types of decisions, trusting your gut can open up new possibilities and lead to unexpected and often better results.

Defining the Indefinable

How do you develop the courage to trust your gut? What does trusting your gut even mean? Although it shows up differently for each of us, some common signals include:

• Body sensations such as tension, heat or cold, and pain (or even illness) can signal a bad choice; relaxation, tingling, or warmth can signal a good choice (which often literally manifests in your gut, hence the expression)
• A calm and quiet inner voice
• Imagery, including dreams
• A nagging sense that won’t go away
• Deep “knowing” from your core and/or heart

Practicing self-awareness, such as through Emotional Intelligence, can help us recognize those signals. However, for many people the challenge isn’t about not recognizing our instinct – it’s using one of the strategies in the previous section to go against it. Our fear and self-doubt kicks in and our mind takes over, doing its best to stomp out the instinct. This is why courage is so vital to trusting your gut. When you do instinctively or intuitively know the right answer, it requires automatically taking a leap of faith coupled with decisive action.

Developing courage can take time, practice, and learning from experience. Starting with smaller decisions such as which shopping lane to pick or which route to take are low-risk decisions and verifiable. They provide good case studies in which to notice how your gut “communicates” as well as the strategies you use to avoid listening to it. Reflecting afterward can provide valuable information to help you learn your personal signals and come to trust them. Over time, you can work up to bigger decisions.

Taking the Leap

Our minds and external facts aren’t the only forms of “data.” Our bodies, minds, and senses also contain data, and that data is both vast and multi-dimensional. Opening ourselves up to listen to this larger pool of data actually provides a much deeper well of evidence than what might appear on the surface. Although other people may not get it and use the above strategies towards you, taking in what’s being shared and then having the courage to trust your gut is part of what great leadership is all about.

To help you take the leap, consider:

• What are some of the signals that your gut is telling you something?
• What strategies do you typically use to avoid listening to or following your gut?
• What are some past experiences in which your gut was right, and what can you learn from those experiences?
• What do others say or do (including old parental messages) that gets in the way of you trusting your gut?
• When you’ve chosen to follow your gut in the past, what were the benefits?

Feel free to share your answers in the comments!

While there are many change models such as ADKAR, Kotter’s model, and McKinsey’s 7-S Framework, it can be easy to get so focused on the model that we overlook the fundamental key to change: people. Even then, we can overlook a fundamental key to helping people change: relationships.

Consider a change you’ve made or been part of. Perhaps it was learning a new piece of software, getting a new boss, or following a new rule. Next, think of the people who either mandated the change or helped you implement or adapt to it. Were they people who you trusted, respected, and made you feel cared for? Or, the opposite? Chances are that the change was easier to embrace if you viewed the people behind the change positively and had good relationships with them.

Good relationships are crucial to making change successful. If we believe someone has our best interest at heart, if they genuinely want to see us succeed, and if they know and treat us as a person instead of an object, we’re much more likely to want to change.

I recently met with a work team located in another country that faced resistance for years in trying to implement new programs. It didn’t matter to the recipients how great their programs were, what data they could provide to demonstrate their effectiveness, or how smart the team was. What made the difference was the team making the effort to build relationships, understand their culture, and demonstrate genuine care. Through their continued efforts to build relationships they developed trust, and this trust led to recipients embracing the team’s ideas, programs, and recommendations. It opened a window that would have otherwise remained closed and resulted in both parties working together on opposite sides of the glass.

On the contrary, I also recently witnessed a professional, multi-million dollar consulting firm try to implement process changes on behalf of senior leadership. Their approach was to make some quick assessments, tell people what they should do differently, and implement a “thou-shalt” approach. This approach was mirrored by senior leadership, who just made a few token appearances during implementation. As you might assume, the recipients felt objectified and resisted the change. All they had to do was nod and wait it out for things to return back to normal.

Building relationships takes time, and there is no shortcut. It also has to be genuine and without agenda. For example, waiting until you need something from someone before getting to know them will likely backfire. Instead, we can start getting to know the people who work with, for, and above us. For senior leaders, this means getting out of the office and visiting employees. For managers, it’s things like building coalitions with other managers. For individual contributors, it’s asking leaders for things like informational interviews.

That said, building relationships doesn’t need to involve hours of bearing one’s soul or being best friends with everyone. Learning and using people’s names, smiling when passing people in the hall, asking people for their ideas and recommendations, or a genuine “how are you doing?” can go a long way. And, things like asking questions and listening are always helpful. Then, when it comes time to change, we’re much more likely to say “yes.”

In exploring ways to build relationships that support change, consider the following questions:

• When you reflect on times when you’ve wanted others to change, how did the quality of your relationship affect the outcome?
• What gets in the way of you building relationships with people at work?
• What kinds of change are you wanting to implement, and how can you leverage your relationships to support that change?
• What are some approaches you can use to increase trust and connection with other people, both professionally and personally?

• Relying on one approach such as training, coaching, meetings, or imposing rules as the go-to answer to just about every problem (regardless of the problem)
• Looking for the latest “new and bright shiny object” or trend to solve problems (flavor-of-the-month)
• Focusing on symptoms instead of root causes

When taking such approaches, organizations get caught up in superficial solutions and a neverending fascination with tools. In other words, they focus on how to go about solving a problem instead of determining exactly what they’re solving for. In order to find sustainable solutions, we need to reverse this approach. We need to determine if, in fact, it’s actually a nail or something else like a screw, thumbtack, piece of tape, or block of wood. To do so, we need to emphasize the “what,” not the “how.”

Hammers vs. Nails

Organizational “nails” often get reduced to generalizations, symptoms, or assumptions. For example, a need for leadership development, issues around diversity, or challenges with turnover or production.

As those issues like those are reduced to nails, the organization whips out its go-to hammer and starts whacking away. The hammer could be implementing training, hiring a consultant, or imposing rules and policies.

The same approach can be used when creating new programs or initiatives. People get excited about using the latest trends such as personality assessments like Meyers-Briggs, processes like Lean Six Sigma, or management approaches like “Who Moved My Cheese?” and try to incorporate these “hammers” into organizational training. The hammer then becomes a toy that doesn’t even need a purpose – it’s just fun to swing around. These hammers aren’t necessarily bad – they just not might be the right tool for the job.

Beginning With the End in Mind

The key to creating change is to identify what the “nail” actually is using approaches like research, analysis, and/or dialogue. This helps uncover what it is that we’re trying to solve for. We need to answer questions like:

• Is there really an issue? And, if so, is the issue actually what we think it is or something else?
• What is behind the issue?
• What are people’s challenges in dealing with the issue, and what do they need to solve it?

Asking these questions helps reveal the true nail. For example, instead of leadership development, the “nail” could be about limited access to career development resources. Issues around diversity might actually be about fear of conflict rather than getting more facts or tools through training. Production problems could be related to outdated technology versus people needing to work harder. Through deeper inquiry, we might realize that the nail is actually a staple, screw, or splinter.

Now that we know the “what,” we can figure out the “how.” Instead of relying on our trusty hammer, we can use the staple remover, screwdriver, or pliers to solve the problem more quickly and effectively. The same principle applies when creating programs, training, or initiatives. By knowing what outcomes we want (based on our “nail”), we can incorporate the right approaches.

Expanding Our Toolbox

Knowing the “what” opens up endless possibilities around the “how.” We can use creative, customized, and tailored approaches instead of off-the-shelf or one-size-fits-all solutions. The more tools we have at our disposal, the more options we have to solve the problem.

Organizational “nails” are rarely as straightforward as a screw or a tack, so they typically require multiple tools. Sometimes those tools are used simultaneously, sometimes in sequence, and sometimes they’re all rolled into one. Sometimes we need to invent new tools. The bottom line, however, is that once we know what we’re solving for, we no longer need to rely on or force the hammer. By expanding our toolbox, we create solutions that produce impactful, dynamic, and sustained results.

When emphasizing the “what,” not the “how, some questions to ask might be:

• What are my go-to tools?
• What tempts or distracts me from getting to the “what” and causes me to get sidetracked by the “how”?
• How can I incorporate more tools into my toolbox (or, even better, collaborate and leverage other people’s tools)?
• What indicators tell me that I’ve discovered the true “what” around a given problem?
• What are some current situations in which I’m too focused on the “how” without being clear on the “what”?

Fortunately, that gap is closing. However, despite women’s physical representation, the rules of the game that everyone must play by are by and large the same: the mold of masculinity.

The mold of masculinity transcends gender: it is a default set of standards typically followed by people in leadership positions around how they engage, communicate, make decisions, relate to others, and create change. Unfortunately, the rigidity and limitations of the mold results in leaders with lopsided range, skills, and abilities to lead effectively. And, because of the predominance of men in influential leadership positions, the mold is perpetuated and reinforced. Too often, these leaders harm those people and organizations that they are supposed to be serving. In order to achieve more balanced, effective, and revolutionary leadership, we need to break the mold of masculinity in leadership.

The Mold of Masculinity

Social scientists Deborah David and Robert Brannon describe four standards of traditional American masculinity that make up the mold:

1. Anti-femininity or “no sissy stuff”: distancing self from femininity; homophobia; avoiding emotions
2. Achievement or “be a big wheel”: striving for achievement and success; focusing on competition
3. Self-reliance or “be a sturdy oak”: avoiding vulnerability; staying composed and in control; acting/being tough
4. Aggression or “give ’em hell”: acting aggressively to become dominant

These standards are imposed in boys from birth, including what colors, toys, emotions, hobbies, and behaviors are acceptable. They are part of the cultural water we swim in, in many ways unconsciously. Although aspects of these traits can be positive, they often become rigid rules that are taboo to break. And, breaking the rules typically means being seen as weak, vulnerable, soft, or feminine (along with other much more negative words and consequences).

This isn’t about shunning masculine traits entirely or comparing them to feminine traits. As with many human qualities, each has its positive and negative aspects. The problem is that for many men, these traits are a default rather than a choice. The idea of choosing other options is either not on the radar, or undesirable. We must follow the rules, or else. This limits who men can be and not only causes harm to others, but also to ourselves. Not only that, women who are able to get past through the hurdles into senior leadership positions by playing by the rules must also continue to comply in order to stay in those positions.

The Mold of Masculinity in Leadership

The standards above are part of the mold of masculinity that many men either try to fit in or react to. They affect our relationships, health, connection, passion, purpose, and fulfillment. They also influence how we lead. The mold of masculinity in leadership, including organizations and social systems, shows up in ways such as:

Disempowerment: Blaming others and refusing to take accountability for mistakes

Power-over: Dominating, intimidating, and bullying others

Self-reliance: Dismissing and minimizing other’s ideas, feedback, or help; leading in a vacuum without considering the needs of or impact to others; excessive speaking

Distraction/fragmentation: Being disconnected from or unaware of reality, both internally and externally

Numbing: Operating on auto-pilot, workaholism, and excessive focus on completing tasks and output

Competition: One-upping, making others look bad, success at the expense of others

Mental intelligence: Dismissing anything that isn’t rational, logical, or fact-based

In the extreme, these traits manifest in attitudes such as “my way or the highway,” “there’s only one right way – mine,” “do what you’re told, or else,” “show ’em who’s boss,” “teach them a lesson they’ll never forget,” “no fear,” and “might makes right.”

Leaders become confined to this mold and are unable to be flexible and responsive. There is little to no room to choose other behaviors; doing so breaks the rules of masculinity and can result in shaming, ridicule, judgment, doubting, or being perceived as weak.

The consequences of the mold can be severe. Male leaders’ power and status, trapped within the rigid and reactive mold, influence major decisions, policies, laws, and behaviors that greatly impact others. They can lead to organizations being dysfunctional to the point of being run into the ground and perpetuate abuse, illness, corruption, poor morale, in-fighting, and bullying. With such a limited range of leadership capacity, organizations and systems become weak, unstable, and ineffective. People’s lives, especially those with less power, can be altered in severe ways.

Essential Shifts: Breaking the Mold of Masculinity in Leadership

The first step to creating more flexibility, choice, responsiveness, and possibilities for men in leadership is becoming aware of the often invisible mold. We first have to notice its existence and its hold on us. We also need to notice the ways in which we are afraid or uncomfortable (both of which are taboo emotions within the mold) of breaking the mold and begin to move towards that fear or discomfort. We must challenge the status quo and cultivate the strength and courage to expand who we can be as leaders.

Referencing the standard leadership traits above, we can consciously choose to shift our behaviors:

Disempowerment becomes Leadership/Ownership: Taking full accountability for our choices, behaviors, and mistakes

Power-over becomes Power-with: Motivating, supporting, recognizing, and lifting others up

Self-reliance becomes Relating: Asking for help, listening, seeing the bigger picture, noticing and considering other’s feelings and needs

Distraction/Fragmentation becomes Presence: Noticing what is happening within ourselves, others, our environment, and our organizations/systems

Numbing becomes Feeling: Slowing down, finding a work-life balance, and balancing people with process

Competition becomes Co-Creation: Collaborating, seeking and incorporating input and feedback, looking for win-win opportunities

Mental Intelligence becomes Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical Intelligence: Considering emotions, intuitions, experiences, feelings, and other data when making decisions and implementing changes

As I mentioned earlier, this is not about dismissing “traditional” masculine traits entirely. Doing so creates other reactive molds that limit our leadership capacity in other ways. There is a time and place to be aggressive, fact-based, competitive, or self-reliant. However, when we can also be gentle, emotional, cooperative, or interdependent, we have more options to choose from and can be stronger leaders. One of the keys is also learning to discern what type of leadership is needed, which I’ll cover in a future blog.

As leaders, the point is to have the freedom to choose how we want to lead instead of acting on auto-pilot or out of fear. Having a wider range of behaviors, styles, and approaches makes us more effective, powerful, equitable, and trustworthy. We can then respond and adapt to current situations and needs, make better decisions, and serve rather than harm. Again, this transcends gender: it requires reimagining the paradigm of what leadership can look like for everyone, at all levels of our organizations, systems, and society.

A New Model of Leadership

To begin to shift behavior and break the mold, consider the following questions:

• What are some of your default behaviors that fall within the masculine mold?
• When you think of breaking the mold, what are your fears and discomforts?
• Of the essential shifts above, which shift would make you a more effective leader? What behaviors would support that shift?
• What are some benefits you see in breaking the mold? For yourself? For others?
• If you are in a position of power or influence, how can you break the mold for others?

On one hand, words are cheap and do little to express the outrage, pain, and sadness I feel about these events, as well as how I feel about some people’s responses to these events. They’re even cheaper when attempting to use words to empathize with people whose everyday suffering merely because of the color of their skin is far beyond what I experience in my own life. Compounding this with trying to express and discuss anything meaningful within the gutters of social media only seems to make it more trivial.

On the other hand, silence can be worse.

So, to my friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and millions of other people of color who I don’t even know personally, I am truly sorry for the pain, anguish, injustice, and immorality that our culture, system, and society has and is causing you. There is no excuse. No justification. No rationalization. It is unacceptable. Rather than try to share, focus on my feelings, and water down what can’t really be expressed with words, I’d rather listen to how you are feeling, hear your stories, and support you however I can. Should you want to reach out and talk, I am here to support you. Should you choose to process in other ways, I respect and appreciate you taking care of yourself, however that may look.

What I do want to speak to is how we, as white people, engage in conversations, situations, and systems involving race. Not just now, but moving forward. Not just in social media or with friends, but also in our communities and our organizations. Whether it’s because we feel ashamed, guilty, ignorant, nervous, uncomfortable, or defensive, too often our behaviors unconsciously perpetuate racism instead of eliminating it. Good intentions aren’t enough. Diversity trainings aren’t enough. Even speaking out isn’t enough. We need to cultivate the humility and courage to confront ourselves and the institutions we participate in if we want to address racism and injustice at its core.

Although there are no quick fixes, the following are some actions we, as white people, can take to begin addressing racism. I offer them not from a place of having it all figured out or making anyone wrong or bad, but of sharing what I’ve learned and what I’ve found helpful to begin making a difference. If you are a white leader who wants to create change, I encourage you to take these actions.

Listen

If you only choose to do one thing, choose to listen. Too often, white people talk to avoid facing our pain, discomfort, shame, or guilt. Talking typically includes:

• Justifying: “Well, what that person really meant was …”
• Minimizing: “It’s not really that bad – look how far we’ve come!”
• Denying: “Are you sure that’s what really happened?”
• Advising: “Well, you should look at it this way (my way) instead.”
• Equalizing: “We white people have problems too!”
• Disowning: “I’m not racist because …”
• Rationalizing: “Well, not everyone is bad!”
• Diverting: “But what about …?”

Not only do none of the above responses resemble anything like listening; they also reinforce racism by prioritizing our “message” above someone else’s experience, implying that our perspective is more accurate, and putting the focus on ourselves. A core element of racism is a dominant group seeing themselves as superior. Both prioritizing our message above a person of color’s experience and implying that our (white) perspective is more accurate (“see it MY way, not yours”) are forms of superiority that reinforce racism. By listening, we can get a more accurate understanding of how racism shows up and actions we can take to support people of color and take action.

There are many ways to develop your listening, some of which I wrote about in this post. We don’t need to fix, educate, or solve anything. We can simply listen.  (And by the way, listening doesn’t just apply when talking about race – it applies when having conversations around just about anything.)

Educate yourself

Thirty years ago there were far fewer resources and means by which to educate oneself about racism. Now, between the abundance of books, videos, training, articles and other resources that are widely available, there is no excuse to not be able to educate ourselves. A simple Google search with keywords such as “books about racism” or “movies about racism” will bring up plenty of resources. Instead of looking to people of color to educate us (which again makes the conversation about us), we can do some research and use what’s already available. As part of this research, we can also learn about what racism really means (spoiler: it’s not just about using racial slurs or actively disliking people of color). Additionally, go beyond current events to learn about racial issues that are buried under the table (for example, despite the many injustices that Native people have and currently face, Native people and issues are often left out of the conversation and ignored by mainstream media, which is another form of racism).

Lastly, when people of color are sharing their experiences, histories, or information, they ARE educating us. Often, we just choose not to listen because the information isn’t delivered in a way that makes us feel comfortable.

Confront your biases

As white people who hold more power in our society (whether we want it or not, or regardless of how much we may also suffer) and being humans with biases, having racially-biased thoughts, ideas, or perspectives isn’t a matter of IF – it’s a matter of HOW. As humans, our brains are wired for bias (as my colleague Deena Pierott says, “If you have a brain, you have a bias.”). Because racism isn’t necessarily a matter of hate or dislike, but also of superiority or “rightness,” there are often subtle, unconscious, and unintentional ways our racial biases show up. If we want to create change, our job is to recognize and counteract these biases. Some examples of often unnoticed racial biases include:

• Talking in ways that resemble the above examples in the section about listening
• Valuing statistics or external “evidence” over someone’s experience
• Believing there is a right or better (typically in ways that align with white values) way to speak, parent, dress, protest, engage in conflict, express sexuality, dance, eat, socialize, etc.
• Assuming that our legal, educational, law enforcement, organizational, and other institutional systems treat people of color the same as white people, or focusing on the exceptions
• Being more outraged or bothered by how we’re impacted instead of how people of color are impacted (being more upset by looting than the fact that innocent people of color were murdered by police officers, being more annoyed that a football game was “interrupted” than learning about everyday injustice that literally results in people being killed)
• Being put out by conversations about race (“I don’t want to have to talk about it all the time,” “Enough already,” “Can’t we just move on?”)
• Making yourself out to be free of racial bias while pointing the finger at other white people (assuming others are the problem, but not you; perpetuating a good/bad or right/wrong dichotomy; believing that any political party is free of racism)

Although it can be difficult to both recognize and acknowledge our racial biases, addressing them within ourselves instead of pointing the finger at others is far more impactful. We must, as Gandhi’s oft-quoted saying goes, be the change.

Own your shame and guilt

I believe that shame and guilt are two of the biggest barriers for us as white people to address and work towards eliminating racism. We often take people of color’s feelings, statements, or facts about racism personally or as anti-white (again, making it about us) instead of listening to what’s being said, empathizing, and being allies. We believe we are somehow directly responsible, bad, or imperfect, and this triggers our shame and guilt. At this point, it becomes impossible to take in anything that’s being said or look at ourselves objectively.

In general, someone expressing anger towards you doesn’t make you a bad person, or necessarily even mean anything about you. It simply means that the other person feels angry. Instead of talking, focusing on your shame or guilt, or getting defensive, these are great opportunities to stop talking, become present, and listen. Listen to empathize. Listen to understand. Listen to learn. Listen to support. (Again, these are good skills to use in most conversations.) And, if there is a follow-up action to take, take it.

For better or worse, based on how our human brains are wired, it’s “normal” to have a certain degree of biased thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors (this applies to any type of “ism” such as sexism, classism, ageism, etc.). These biases don’t make us inherently bad – they make us human.

The real issue is when we deny, avoid looking at, dismiss, defend, or minimize our biases. This is especially true when someone points them out or shares a way they’ve felt harmed by our words or actions. Our existence as white people isn’t the problem – our resistance to hearing and acknowledging what’s true, our unwillingness to look at ourselves and our systems, and our avoidance of speaking up and taking a stand for what’s right are some of the problems. That doesn’t mean it’s easy or comfortable to see our biases (and we may feel shame or guilt about them), but uncovering and counteracting our biases as best we can is essential in order for us to learn, grow, and create meaningful change. We all make mistakes – what matters is how we respond to them.

Challenge racism

There is no shortage of examples of how racism shows up in everyday life and organizational culture. Whether it’s around who gets hired or promoted (and who doesn’t), who gets arrested and receives more severe sentencing for the exact same crimes (or even when crimes weren’t committed), who gets to make the decisions around laws, policies, and rules, or whose voices are heard, we can start to name these inequities and take action to change them. This is especially true if you are in a position of power (such as a manager), have influence, or hold decision-making authority.

This isn’t about shaming other white people, looking good, or “saving” people of color – it’s about speaking the truth and doing the right thing in order to create a more equitable, just, and fair world – for everyone. I believe that most white people want this kind of world; however, making it a reality requires moving towards the places that feel uncomfortable and taking a hard look at ourselves, our culture, and our systems.

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These actions aren’t meant to be taken alone. As white leaders, we can support and challenge one another to confront racism and look at our part in perpetuating it. We can come together to address injustices and inequities in our systems and, as people whose voices are more likely to be heard and as people with relatively more power to change these systems, take collective action. Whether individually or with others, the following are some questions for reflection:

• How do you respond to conversations around racism? What feelings and thoughts arise?
• What are some ways you believe your ways to be right or better in areas such as speaking, dress, parenting, or other everyday behaviors? How many of those so-called right ways align with the values of white and/or European culture?
• How can you improve as a listener?
• How can you address racist behavior in ways that supports awareness, growth, and action without shaming, one-upping, or making other white people wrong or bad?
• What would it mean for you if every story, fact, or piece of data about racism and people of color’s experiences were completely true?

The problem with this expression, however, is its self-contained irony. We’re supposed to be looking at how others may benefit, but somehow still manage to include the “me.” Although one could argue that it’s a matter of semantics, time and time again leaders with good intentions fail to get past the “me” and miss out on who they are trying to serve. Even in guessing at what someone else might need, they do it from a “me” place and likely project their own assumptions. Therefore, to apply this mindset and be of service, we need to shift from the WIIFM to the WIIFT and ask a different question: “What’s in it for them?”

Whiffing the WIIFM

There are many instances in organizational life for us to apply the WIIFT, including:

• Meetings
• Training
• Assigning work
• Career development
• Mentoring
• Benefits
• Scheduling

We sometimes wonder why people aren’t engaged, why they don’t seem to care, why they aren’t more self-directed or self-motivated, why morale is low, or why turnover is high. In many instances, one underlying reason is a lack of focus on the WIIFT. Instead, leaders look out for their own interests over other’s interests. Consider some common examples:

• When leading a meeting, the leader sets their own agenda that serves the outcomes they want
• When designing training, the facilitator emphasizes topics that are exciting and meaningful to them
• When exploring benefits or work schedules, the company figures out how they can get the most amount of productivity for the least cost
• When mentoring or discussing a direct report’s career, the manager looks at how they can keep the employee from leaving
• When giving a PowerPoint presentation, the presenter includes all the brilliant insights they think they have and cram them into an hour-long talk with tons of slides and non-stop talking

Although the above examples may provide short-term benefits for the individual or organization, over time they erode trust, security, and growth. In the end, the approaches create the opposite result. The WIIFM lives up to its name and benefits the leader or the company, not the employees.

The Shift from the WIIFM to the WIIFT

Instead of either focusing on how we can benefit or trying to put ourselves in another’s shoes while still thinking of “me,” we can ask a different question: “What’s in it for them?”

Asking this simple question gets us thinking about other’s needs and desires. It helps us shift our thinking from what we can get to what we can give. And, paradoxically, it often results in everyone benefitting.

How do we discover the WIIFT? It’s simple: ask.

Of course, there are different ways to ask. Depending on the audience and situation, some approaches include:

• Surveys
• Focus groups
• 1:1 interviews
• Polls
• Feedback forms
• Casual conversations

Going back to our earlier examples, here’s how finding the WIIFT might look:

• Prior to the meeting, the leader asks meeting participants what would create value for them and plans the agenda accordingly
• The facilitator surveys the organization to discover areas of weakness and designs training to strengthen those areas. They also inquire about preferred learning formats and incorporate them.
• The company has managers set clear outcomes but allows for flexible work schedules so long as the outcomes are met
• The manager asks what direct report’s goals are and provides support on how they can achieve them, knowing that they will be much more inspired and engaged during the time they work for them (and may want to stay longer because a frequently “hidden” but significant job benefit is a supportive manager who cares about their people)
• The presenter polls their peers on things they’d want to know related to the topic and breaks up their PowerPoint presentation to ask questions of the audience, use audience-related scenarios, and create simple slides that are easy to read and follow

The Power of the WIIFT

The great thing about using the WIIFT is its simplicity and ease of use. It takes very little time, minimal effort, and gets maximum results. In short, the ROI is significant.

A manager was struggling to engage people at their meetings. When they started focusing on what the participants wanted to talk about, inquiring about their ideas, and offering tools to help make their jobs easier, the participants started taking initiative both in and out of the meetings. This, in turn, took a huge load off of the manager’s plate.

When conducting a training in an industrial organization, the trainer used examples and scenarios that related directly to the worker’s day-to-day work instead of the more commonly used and standard office-based scenarios. The participants were more easily able to apply what they learned, engage in the training, and follow-through (and were more motivated to attend future training).

An organization wanted to find ways to keep their employees and attract new ones. They put out a survey asking what benefits would most appeal to people and make them want to stay with the company. They took the top two ideas and immediately found ways to implement them. In addition to reaping the benefits, the employees also felt heard and valued. This not only helped with retention, but employees spoke much more highly of the company and were more intrinsically motivated to help the company succeed.

These are just a few examples. Even the WIIFT is a misnomer because asking the question ultimately results in the WIIFW, or “What’s in it for we?” By asking the WIIFT, everyone wins.

To begin using the WIIFT, reflect on the following questions:

• How often do you ask what would provide value for others? What are some situations in which you could ask?
• What are some situations in which you wish others would consider how you could benefit? What are similar situations in which others might feel the same way?
• What keeps you from considering how others might benefit? When you do, what keeps you from acting accordingly?
• What do you assume you might lose by focusing on how others could benefit and providing those benefits?
• How do you feel and what do you experience when serving others?

If I’ve learned anything from my training experience, it’s this: I no longer believe in training as we know it.

The Trouble With Training

I love being a trainer. Every aspect, from designing the curriculum to teaching new concepts to helping students overcome obstacles, is gratifying for me. A day of training seems to go by in an hour. And yet, despite my love of training and the impact I’ve seen it have on students, I see many flaws with traditional training. The potential of training to make a significant impact has been reduced to a generic solution for just about any problem. Having interpersonal issues in your organization? Do a training. Need to address diversity? Do a training. Noticing leadership gaps? Do a training. Ad nauseum …

It’s not that training per se is the problem. What is the problem is a) training is used a quick-fix stopgap for underlying problems, b) most training is based on outdated models, and c) most training is generic and doesn’t address individual needs.

To go further, let’s look at elements of a typical training session:

• Held outside of the normal work environment, which yields results that are less integrated into the daily culture and environment
• Likely at least a couple of hours. Most people’s attention and ability to store information times out after about an hour. We only have the capacity to learn one or two things at one time, and need practice to actually do them well.
• Covers a variety of sub-topics. When I look at training I’ve attended and follow-up with participants from training, most people only use one or two things they were taught.
• Rooted in theory. Training covers principles, tools, and techniques, with minimal direct application.
• Emphasizes mental and intellectual stimulation. Training typically doesn’t include physical and emotional elements. This makes it harder to apply and integrate learning.
• Little to no follow-up. Most training has no follow-up or integration afterward. People return to their normal environment and quickly default to old patterns of behavior.
• Little to no systemic support. Pockets of individuals attend training, and when they return to work the principles are seldom practiced or supported by peers, leaders, or the organization as a whole.
• No tie-in to larger needs or objectives. Training typically makes people adapt to content instead of adapting content to people. This core reasons for the training aren’t relevant to its initial needs or serve its purpose.

Some of these points aren’t necessarily bad. For example, taking time to train outside of the work environment so as to eliminate distractions or introducing theory and principles has its place. However, when training includes at least three of the elements listed above, as it typically does, it becomes more of a hindrance than a help.

The Impact of Traditional Training

Unfortunately, the impact of training can and often has become quite negative. In my years of training, some of these include:

• Cynicism about doing “another training”
• Being taken away from work and needing to catch up afterward
• A lack of “bang for the buck” given the amount of time spent compared to the amount of return for that time
• Active resistance to what is being taught, especially if there’s a perceived hidden agenda, that trickles back into the culture
• Lack of faith in the ability of training to make a difference

Over time, training becomes something to dread rather than look forward to. Employees go through the motions, get their certificates, and then? Not much. A lot of time and money is invested with minimal return to show for it.

Re-Imagining Training

To make training effective, it’s important to identify its strengths and align them with what people need to get the most from it. If we look at what we need to best learn, we can adapt training to people instead of the other way around. Consider some basic principles:

• We can only typically learn, apply, and master one or two new ideas, concepts, or tools at one time
• To put those ideas, concepts, or tools into practice, we need sufficient time to practice using them
• We typically lose attention and/or reach capacity after an hour, at most
• Applying what we learn in our native environment provides context for application
• One of the most significant factors in sustaining change is the people with whom we surround ourselves
• The more senses we use, the easier it is to learn and retain information
• Using tools to suit our purpose instead of adapting our purpose to the tool provides practical applications that meet our needs for using the tools in the first place

Incorporating these principles means thinking outside the box and significantly altering how we approach training. In order to do this, we have to be willing to shed the old models and let go of what we know. If we apply the basic principles above, some elements for successful training would then include:

• Short, lasting no more than one hour
• Delivered in or as close to people’s regular work environment as possible
• Attending with existing teams or working groups
• Ongoing practice afterward with those same people
• Delivered in stages
• Content that people can apply to their personal situations
• Incorporating mental, physical, and emotional elements
• Clear purpose and objectives defined by the organization that is integrated into the curriculum

A Case Study in Re-Imagined Training

Recently, my colleagues and I decided to put these concepts into practice. We developed training (or a workshop, as we call it) to build skills in a couple of areas: effective meetings and professional 1:1 conversations. Not surprisingly, the results have been quite different. To align with the principle above, the workshops include:

• Conversations around personal experiences related to the topic
• Personal identification of strengths and weaknesses around the topic
• A simple model that participants use for self-reflection and point of reference
• Activities that elicit group discussion, debate, and alternative perspectives and experiences while providing new insights and approaches to the topic
• Two one-hour sessions held one week apart, with homework in between to test learning and report back
• Emphasis on only one or two self-identified actions to take in between sessions
• Held in participants’ work areas instead of classrooms, including normal meeting spaces and/or board rooms
• Approximately a 20/80 ratio of facilitator speaking to participant speaking

The results have been quite astounding, especially compared to the results I’ve seen in traditional training. Some things we’ve seen and heard from participants include:

• The hour goes by in no time and they can’t believe it’s already over (and they want more)
• Immediate and sustained application of content
• Quick results that reinforce participants continuing to use what they learned
• Group accountability around implementing solutions
• Leaving the workshop more energized and inspired instead of drained
• Content directly relates to their personal situation and needs (and leverages personal experience to bolster content)
• More engagement and learning from one another

Making Training Work For You (and Your Organization)

This is just a start towards a new paradigm of training. There are plenty of ways to make training concise, practical, and sustained. The key is to think about what people need and how to most effectively meet those needs. It may take some creativity and a willingness to try something new, but there are countless options. To take that next step, consider the following questions:

• When you think about training you’ve attended, how much did you use of what was taught (and still use today) compared to how much you didn’t? Of the things you do use, how could the training have centered around those tools or concepts?
• What problems is training trying to solve? How could those specific problems be directly addressed in the training (or even in other ways)?
• What activities do you find most engaging in training?
• How could your team and/or organization reinforce, practice, and apply takeaways from training?
• What would people want to learn from training, and how can the training be developed to provide that learning?

The Vulnerability of Leadership

For myself, and many other leaders I’ve known, leadership can feel vulnerable. Personally, there have been (and still are) plenty of moments when I want to disappear, hide in a corner, give up, or defend myself. Every leader I’ve known has felt similar feelings, whether it’s when sharing an opinion or feeling, paving a new direction, leading change, or taking action.

There are valid reasons behind these feelings. For all the ways that leadership can be put on a pedestal, the experience of leading isn’t as pretty as it may seem. Consider experiences common amongst leaders:

Projection: People tend to view leaders as who they want them to be, not as they are. Put in a “parental” or even deified position, people then may feel intimidated, insecure, or assume that leaders are judging them and think they somehow have to measure up. This view creates impossible standards that neither leader, nor any human, can reach.

Personal Attacks: Check out virtually any social media forum and you’ll find cruel, hateful comments towards those who are brave enough to put themselves out there. Watch or read any news source and notice how the media loves to prey on anyone who is in the public eye. With the cultural norm being to expose even the slightest flaw, no leader is safe.

Imposter Syndrome: In taking the risk to step out, many leaders question who they are to be that person. They often wonder if they measure up, compare themselves to other leaders, and second-guess their behavior. This self-doubt and insecurity can feel maddening and debilitating at times.

Criticism: Leader’s decisions, actions, words, behavior, and even appearance are constantly subjected to scrutiny. There can be more focus on waiting for leaders to fail than to succeed. Sometimes, it seems like leaders can never really get it right, no matter how hard they try.

Letting people down/making mistakes: Leaders feel (are often are) responsible for the people they serve. There can be a constant sense of internal stress to not make mistakes or cause harm. Carrying the burden on their shoulders, leaders may fear to make a wrong decision or accidentally cause unintended consequences.

Isolation: Between projection, intense responsibility, being subjected to scrutiny, and or being misunderstood, leaders often feel alone. Ground for real, authentic relating becomes difficult, with few people to talk to, trust, and count on. We may even lose friends along the way.

Personal harm: The more outspoken a leader is, the more potential harm they face. Some of the most courageous leaders have been physically hurt and even murdered for their acts of leadership. The more change a leader seeks to create, the more danger they face.

The hard part is that, no matter how long we’ve been leading or how much we grow, these risks and insecurities never go away. Every good leader I’ve known who is willing to step out of their comfort zone and play on the edge shares these experiences.

Daring to Lead

Although we may not be able to change these experiences, what we can change is how we respond to them. Instead of using them as excuses to back down or give up, we can learn to stay the course and find our way through.

Even if these experiences aren’t comfortable, one thing we can take comfort in is that we aren’t alone in having them. Instead of judging ourselves or thinking that we’re not doing it right, we can recognize that these feelings are normal. To a greater degree, they are actually signs of healthy leadership, because they indicate that you’re not hiding out and playing it safe.

Leading is like being on a roller coaster. There are moments when we experience profound connection, meaning, and purpose, and feel like we’re on top of the world. There are other moments when we feel like total failures, like nothing is going right and the world is against us. The key is to stay on the ride and keep moving towards our destination.

There isn’t a day I can remember when I haven’t felt some degree of fear, self-doubt, negative self-talk, or urge to quit and blend in. However, the more I’ve learned to accept these experiences as part of the package, the easier it’s been to recognize them, acknowledge them, and just keep moving. And, just like being on a roller coaster, the feelings do pass as long as I don’t try to stop the ride. Yes, leadership has its risks, but if we don’t take those risks we have little chance of receiving the reward. Ultimately, by daring to lead when we most want to avoid leading, we can discover what leadership truly means.

To discover your own edge, consider the following questions:

• What holds you back from leading fully?
• What support do you need to step into leadership?
• What potential benefits to leadership would outweigh what holds you back?
• What is your motivation for leading, and how can you stay connected to that motivation in times of struggle?
• What qualities, traits, behaviors, or attitudes can you mimic in leaders who you admire?
• What can you draw strength from during challenging moments?