While there are many change models such as ADKAR, Kotter’s model, and McKinsey’s 7-S Framework, it can be easy to get so focused on the model that we overlook the fundamental key to change: people. Even then, we can overlook a fundamental key to helping people change: relationships.

Consider a change you’ve made or been part of. Perhaps it was learning a new piece of software, getting a new boss, or following a new rule. Next, think of the people who either mandated the change or helped you implement or adapt to it. Were they people who you trusted, respected, and made you feel cared for? Or, the opposite? Chances are that the change was easier to embrace if you viewed the people behind the change positively and had good relationships with them.

Good relationships are crucial to making change successful. If we believe someone has our best interest at heart, if they genuinely want to see us succeed, and if they know and treat us as a person instead of an object, we’re much more likely to want to change.

I recently met with a work team located in another country that faced resistance for years in trying to implement new programs. It didn’t matter to the recipients how great their programs were, what data they could provide to demonstrate their effectiveness, or how smart the team was. What made the difference was the team making the effort to build relationships, understand their culture, and demonstrate genuine care. Through their continued efforts to build relationships they developed trust, and this trust led to recipients embracing the team’s ideas, programs, and recommendations. It opened a window that would have otherwise remained closed and resulted in both parties working together on opposite sides of the glass.

On the contrary, I also recently witnessed a professional, multi-million dollar consulting firm try to implement process changes on behalf of senior leadership. Their approach was to make some quick assessments, tell people what they should do differently, and implement a “thou-shalt” approach. This approach was mirrored by senior leadership, who just made a few token appearances during implementation. As you might assume, the recipients felt objectified and resisted the change. All they had to do was nod and wait it out for things to return back to normal.

Building relationships takes time, and there is no shortcut. It also has to be genuine and without agenda. For example, waiting until you need something from someone before getting to know them will likely backfire. Instead, we can start getting to know the people who work with, for, and above us. For senior leaders, this means getting out of the office and visiting employees. For managers, it’s things like building coalitions with other managers. For individual contributors, it’s asking leaders for things like informational interviews.

That said, building relationships doesn’t need to involve hours of bearing one’s soul or being best friends with everyone. Learning and using people’s names, smiling when passing people in the hall, asking people for their ideas and recommendations, or a genuine “how are you doing?” can go a long way. And, things like asking questions and listening are always helpful. Then, when it comes time to change, we’re much more likely to say “yes.”

In exploring ways to build relationships that support change, consider the following questions:

• When you reflect on times when you’ve wanted others to change, how did the quality of your relationship affect the outcome?
• What gets in the way of you building relationships with people at work?
• What kinds of change are you wanting to implement, and how can you leverage your relationships to support that change?
• What are some approaches you can use to increase trust and connection with other people, both professionally and personally?

The Impact of Silence

On a given day, there are many opportunities to use your voice. Consider some common scenarios:

• An employee has a co-worker who frequently interrupts them with questions and personal stories. Instead of talking to the co-worker, the employee complains about the person to other co-workers, who commiserate and laugh. The employee puts up a wall with their co-worker, but underneath feels ongoing resentment and irritation.
• Managers are required to conduct ongoing tasks that they think are inefficient and unimportant. Although they have some great ideas on how to both improve upon and reduce the tasks, they just vent to each other, make sarcastic comments, and go through the motions.
• A team thinks their meetings are a waste of time. Their boss, who leads the meetings, doesn’t stick to the agenda, monologues, and doesn’t seem to have a purpose for the meeting. When the boss asks for feedback, people are either silent or just say that everything’s good. Afterward, however, the team gets together to gossip about how bad the meetings are.
• An employee is late to work almost every day, but their boss is afraid to address the issue directly. Instead, they make jokes and indirect comments like “Guess you had more important things to do this morning” or “Gee, thanks for showing up today.” Both the boss and team are resentful, but the boss seems to think that things could be worse and that the employee will eventually get the message.
• A leader is excited about a new policy change that they believe will make customers happy. However, the people on the front lines, who have direct experience, know better. Instead of saying anything, they undermine the policy and have a negative attitude, which results in increased reprimands and conflict with management.

In each of the scenarios, the outcome is the same: nothing changes. Whether the consequences are major or minor, people experience an ongoing baseline of negativity that makes their lives worse, not better.

The “Buts” of Silence

Before talking about what we can do to speak up, the first thing I often hear are the “buts” that justify not saying anything. Reasons such as:

• “It doesn’t make any difference”
• “I’ll get in trouble”
• “No one will listen”
• “It’s easier not to say anything”
• “If I do, they’ll just ____”
• “I already know what’s going to happen”
• “I don’t want to rock the boat”
• “It’s not my place”
• “They won’t like me”

In some cases, such as in toxic work environments, these reasons could be justified. In these instances, getting some objective perspectives from people you trust can help you discern what action to take. However, more often than not, these “buts” are reasons to avoid putting ourselves out there. Not only that, our negative experiences are typically not reflective of the fact that we spoke up – they are reflective of how we spoke up. With practice, however, we can both cultivate the courage and the skill to use our voice effectively.

Finding Your Voice

When we choose to speak up, we create opportunities for things to change. However, the keyword is choice. If we do nothing, nothing is likely to change. By being more proactive and making the choice to use your voice, you step into leadership. Here are some tools you can use to find your voice:

• Not live with deficiencies. One of the principles in the Nuclear Navy to ensure safety, developed by Admiral Hyman Rickover, is not living with deficiencies. This principle applies to all aspects of our lives. Whether it’s tolerating someone who bothers us, tolerating having our time wasted, or tolerating meaningless tasks, we can choose to not live with these deficiencies and make the choice to do something about them. Be honest with yourself and acknowledge the impact of not saying anything.
• See the possibilities. When people consider speaking up they imagine all the things that could go wrong instead of what could potentially go right. Considering positive outcomes can help us be more courageous. We also tend to focus on what we don’t like or want instead of what we do want. Getting clear on the desired outcome helps us, and others, move towards something new.
• Assume ignorance. We tend to think that people are deliberately behaving in ways to annoy us. Yet, most of the time, they are simply unaware. Do leaders set out to hold boring meetings? To waste time and money? To take ineffective approaches? Typically, no. Think of times when someone has pointed out something in yourself that you were completely unaware of.Unless someone tells us otherwise, we have no reason to think we’re doing anything wrong and will continue the behavior. Therefore, it’s our job to help them become aware. When approaching them, however, if you think someone is intentionally behaving in a particular way and approach them with this attitude, the conversation is unlikely to go well. If, however, you assume they are unaware, you can approach them with more empathy, which makes it much more likely that they’ll receive the message.
• Use questions and suggestions to manage up. When communicating with leaders above us, it’s wise to consider our approach. Instead of direct confrontation or giving direction, we can speak up by using questions or suggestions. For example, it probably won’t go over well to tell your boss that a meeting is a waste of time. However, using questions (in a neutral, curious tone) such as “What is the purpose for our meeting today?”, “Can I share an idea I’ve got?”, or “What are some actions we can take between now and the next meeting?” are non-threatening and still address the topic. Additionally, sharing the why can help others understand where you’re coming from.

I also suggest taking advantage of books like Crucial Conversations and Difficult Conversations, both of which include great suggestions. In addition, here are some questions to consider:

• What are your reasons for not speaking up? What is the impact of not doing so?
• What are some positive outcomes that could come from speaking up?
• When speaking up, what outcome would you like to see? How can you share that outcome with others?
• What would it take for a situation to become painful enough for you to speak up? How can you hold yourself accountable to keep it from getting to that point?