The Costs of Over- and Under-Functioning

When we over-function, we take on and do too much. Too much responsibility, too much work, too much accountability. Sometimes we over-function because we think we need to pick up the slack. Sometimes we do it because we won’t say no. Sometimes we do it because we don’t trust others to follow through. Whatever the reason, the symptoms and costs of over-functioning include things like overwhelm and burnout, feeling like a martyr, thinking that everything is on our shoulders and that the world will fall apart without us, worrying if we’ll get blamed if something goes wrong, and much more. If you find yourself doing too much (or thinking that others aren’t doing enough), you’re probably over-functioning.

As expected, under-functioning means doing the minimum, or even less than the minimum. We leave things to others to handle, avoid taking risks, procrastinate, do just enough to get by, distract ourselves, or check out. Under-functioning can be a symptom of apathy, lack of feeling challenged or engaged, suppressed frustration, sense of overwhelm, or fear of failure. If you find yourself avoiding work, going through the motions, or doing as little as possible to get by, you’re probably under-functioning.

Both polarities create an imbalance that results in ineffective functioning for the individual. Stress rises, results suffer, and people generally become unhappy and dissatisfied with their work. In some cases, people experience mental or physical ailments. Family life may suffer. Although there might be some short-term benefits, in the long-term the behaviors become unsustainable and people end up leaving their jobs, whether by their or their employer’s choice.

The costs to teams are also significant. When you have over- and under-functioning on a team, over-functioners are likely to micromanage, dictate, blame, and become resentful. Under-functioners are likely to withdraw, avoid, resist, and sabotage. A dance of conflict ensues in which the players become unhappy and unfulfilled.

Finding Balance on the Spectrum

Fortunately, it is possible to change the dance. Although it can require getting out of our comfort zone (over- and under-functioning are often deep-rooted and can even go back to early family dynamics), with focused effort and intention we can find balance.

As mentioned in my post on Spectrum Mapping, the first step is identifying where you are on the spectrum. From there, name the behaviors behind your placement. This gives you a clear sense of where you are now.

Then, identify where you’d like to be. Identify the behaviors that would represent this new place. In this place, what would you be doing? Thinking? Feeling?

Once identified, begin to explore actions to bridge the gap. What would you need to change? What behaviors could you adopt? What must you acknowledge? Then, take action accordingly.

A New Dance

As you shift your own behavior and place on the Spectrum of Functioning, the dance will change. It’s less important what others do; it’s more important what you do. Your changes will naturally begin to change the dance for everyone involved. Although it can take time to see the results, they will come if you persist.

Because our roles as under- or over-functioners can be so deeply ingrained, it can be hard to know what to do differently. Following are some suggestions for consideration to shift your place on the spectrum.

Over-functioning:

• Delegate
• Hold others accountable
• Coach and mentor others
• Say no
• Make time for yourself
• Take responsibility for your results, not the collective results

Under-functioning:

• Ask for what you need
• Set goals
• Take risks
• Give feedback
• Notice what others are experiencing
• Be vulnerable

Answer: Who knows? (Read on for the “correct” answer.)

Mushy Decision Making

Approximations of the dynamic in the above scenario when making decisions are quite common. Typically, such scenarios later result in one or more of the following symptoms:

• A team member gets upset and says, “I never agreed to that!”
• A team member follows up with the team and asks if they had in fact made a decision, which then causes confusion and further discussion amongst the team around what the decision was
• Revisiting the same topic at another meeting because it wasn’t clear what had been decided
• Nothing changes and no one brings it up again; the discussion was for nothing
• The team goes back to the drawing board because no one is clear if they had agreed to even change the meeting time in the first place, or if they were just trying to decide on the new proposed time

Clear decisions are crucial for growth and success. Clear action is preceded by a clear decision. Without clear action, real impact, change, or success is limited.

The above scenario is based on a rather simple and low-impact decision. Now, consider the many decisions teams and organizations need to make on a regular basis and imagine the impact such mushiness has on an organization’s productivity, effectiveness, and morale. The results aren’t pretty.

The Signs of Clear Decisions

Pop Quiz #2: Look at your current work team. Do you know when your team has made a decision? If yes, what objective signs tell you that your team has made a decision?

Amongst the teams I’ve consulted with or coached, most aren’t able to say yes. If they do, when I ask for objective signs that they’ve made a decision, they typically stumble around for a minute before realizing that they really don’t know.

The bottom line is this: unless every team member can answer yes and explain their process for making decisions, the team doesn’t have a clear process.

Making the Decision to Make Clear Decisions

It’s not enough to have a clear process for making decisions. Unless everyone knows what the process is, some of the above symptoms will surface. Therefore, two elements are crucial for making clear decisions:

• A clear decision-making process needs to be established
• Everyone involved must know what the process is

Circling back to our initial scenario and Pop Quiz #1, was the decision made? Assuming everyone knew the process, if the process only required two people on the team to verbally say yes, then the decision was made. If the process was by majority vote and silence equals consent, then the decision was made. And so on. However, my guess is that based on your and my experience of similar scenarios, no clear decision was made.

The process itself for making decisions ultimately doesn’t matter, nor do teams need to use the same process every time. Whether it’s by consensus, majority, autocracy, or any other process, what most matters is that the two decision-making elements above are used for any decision. Ultimately, the team leader will decide and is responsible for making sure everyone on the team knows what that process is. That said, some processes are better suited for certain types of decisions or teams, so it’s important to choose thoughtfully. Check out this article for examples of decision-making styles, including the advantages and disadvantages of each.

Questions for reflection:

• If you aren’t the team lead, how can you influence establishing a clear process for making decisions?
• What decision-making processes would generally best suit your team?
• What benefits could incorporating the two decision-making elements have for your team and/or organization?

Head Down: Lack of Leadership

The “Head-Down” state mirrors what might happen when your head is physically down: limited awareness, self-focus, stuck in thought, being closed off to what’s around you, only seeing the small picture, and focusing on short-term goals. Imagine trying to lead a group of people while keeping your head down the entire time. How effective might you be?

Head-Down is also metaphorical for the state of keeping your head down. In this state, the capacity for leadership becomes limited. Behaviors might include:

• Focusing on the parts instead of the whole
• Sacrificing long-term pain for short-term gain
• Excluding others, not considering and/or recognizing bias and its impact
• Not having long-term goals or strategies
• Moving quickly to action without clear objectives
• Overemphasis on completing tasks and getting things done
• Not seeing or recognizing people, including their talents, strengths, accomplishments, contributions, or humanity
• Lack of inspiration or motivation
• Checking out
• Giving up easily and/or making excuses
• Lack of accountability

These behaviors inhibit our leadership. Therefore, it’s important to catch ourselves when we are engaged in them so we can make choices that align with how we want to lead.

Head-Up: Conscious Leadership

As you might have guessed, “Head-Up” is the opposite state of leadership. Head-up behaviors are indicative of thoughtful, intentional leadership that creates change and engages others. Behaviors might include:

• Seeing how all the parts connect and impact one another
• Serving others
• Making informed decisions and choices
• Examining and counteracting bias and its impact
• Seeing the whole picture and having an expansive vision
• Noticing what needs attention and responding to it
• Considering how your actions impact others and the system
• Taking right and aligned action
• Thinking and behaving inclusively
• Being resilient, agile, and emotionally intelligent
• Correlating the cause and effect between the system and the individual
• Continuously improving self, others, processes, and systems

These behaviors strengthen our leadership. They are also within our control, which means that we can choose to enact them. Additionally, catching ourselves “doing something right” can be rewarding and affirm our effort and development as a leader.

Head-Up or Head-Down: Which Will You Choose?

Using “Head-Up/Head-Down” to assess your leadership is simple: in any given moment, ask yourself “Is my head up or down right now?” Although your literal physical posture can be a good indicator, use this question to assess your internal or external leadership approach.

We don’t even need to memorize all of the exact behaviors that fall under Head-Up or Head-Down. When we take a moment to pause and reflect, it’s generally obvious which state we’re enacting. For example, behaviors like holding tension, negativity, blaming, not following through, gossiping, shutting others out, rushing, or acting out of fear are easy to notice in a given moment and indicate Head-Down. Behaviors like empathizing, considering consequences, positivity, connecting, giving constructive feedback, being transparent, checking our bias, and developing a plan indicate Head-Up. With only two categories to choose from, almost all behaviors fall neatly into one of the two. This makes it easy to identify the behavior and take immediate and appropriate action.

Upon getting a clear answer, we can then choose to continue leveraging Head-Up or change our behavior if it’s Head-Down. In addition to its simplicity, the good news is that we can ask the question as many times as we want throughout the day without needing to remember any fancy or complex leadership philosophies.

To use this practice effectively, consider:

• What are some common behaviors that you associate with Head-Up? With Head-Down?
• What will help you remember to ask, “Is my head up or down right now” throughout the day?
• When you catch yourself in “Head-Down,” what would help you shift your state?

Because firing people is uncomfortable on many levels, it can get messy. Legal constraints on what information can be shared with the team, the absence of details might cause the team might feel confused, angry, or blame the manager or the organization. The team might also feel the loss and not know how to process it, especially if leadership wants to gloss over it. If there are multiple firings in a short amount of time, it can create a culture of fear in which everyone walks on eggshells and wonders if they might be next. When psychological safety is threatened, it can have serious impacts on morale, productivity, and trust. Therefore, it’s important to address the issues head-on instead of shutting people down or avoiding conversations.

If you are a manager in this situation, the following are some things to consider to preserve psychological safety amongst your team:

1. Be mindful of what you say.
   There are varying opinions around what can legally be shared with others in the organization, but the general rule of thumb is to not say anything about why the person was let go. In addition to legal concerns, this is important to protect the person’s privacy while also modeling how things would be handled if another team member was fired. If they see you handle the situation poorly, they might wonder if you’d do the same to them in a similar situation.
2. Handle your stuff.
   Process your own fears, feelings, or anything else that might interfere with your ability to hold space for constructive engagement. If you are uncomfortable with conflict (as most of us are), prepare yourself for having difficult conversations. Model how to be present and engage instead of shying away or shutting things down. Strong leadership can bring calm, stability, and trust that will not only help the team move forward but also grow in the process. If you have had challenges with these conversations in the past or anticipate that you might have challenges, start working on these skills now instead of waiting for the situation to arise.
3. Read the team.
   The culture, size of the team, relationships, and other factors can determine how to handle the situation. In some cases, all the team needs to know in order to move on is that the person is no longer with the company. In others, the team might have concerns, emotions, or uncertainty around how to move forward. Instead of jumping to action, pause to observe and listen to what’s being said, along with your knowledge of the team, in order to determine what would help the team move forward.
4. Lean in.
   Instead of pretending not to notice the team’s reaction, avoiding engagement, or pushing the team to talk, engage based on where the team is at. Although there’s no need to have long, drawn-out conversations, get to the heart of the matter quickly by using powerful questions such as:
   • What’s hard for you about this?
   • What are your concerns?
   • What do you need from me? From each other?
   • How would you knowing more about the situation help you? (use this question if people ask for more details to get the root of what they really need)

   These questions can surface underlying fears, concerns, and needs. Ask follow-up questions to dig deeper. Focus on what the team needs rather than making it about the person who left. As much as possible, hold space to support the team instead of siding with or diminishing them.

5. Remain open and available.
   In order to move past their discomfort, managers might take a one-and-done approach and assume that one conversation is enough. However, this is rarely the case. Although there’s no need to force the issue, remain receptive and observant. Notice if the team or individuals seem impacted and follow up if you sense that things are off. If people continue to bring forth concerns, continue to lean in and discuss them. Whether it’s a few hours or a few months later, demonstrate that you are there for whatever the team needs. If concerns persist, it’s likely that you haven’t yet gotten to the root of what’s impacting them or what they really need. If so, continue to listen and ask questions to find out what’s really going on instead of trying to tell them that there’s nothing to worry about.

If They’d Just Do It My Way!

When working with our opposites, it can be easy to focus on the negatives and get frustrated with each other. Sometimes we’re frustrated because they’re not taking on enough of our load. Other times they aren’t focusing on the things we think they should be focusing on. And, we might just be flat-out annoyed because they don’t do things the way that we do them.

Consider some common opposite work styles:

• Big-picture vs. detail-oriented
• Fast-paced vs. methodical
• Process-driven vs. outcome-driven
• People-focused vs. process-focused
• Logical vs. emotional

We’ve all probably had to work with our opposites throughout our lives. Unfortunately, we sometimes end up getting frustrated by our differences instead of finding ways to complement them. These missed opportunities result in wasted time, power struggles, and a lack of focus. Alternatively, if harnessed, they could be leveraged to create even more powerful results compared to working with people who are just like us.

Aligning Opposites

When opposites align, our collective capacity increases. Picture two halves of a circle. Halves that are identical overlap and only form a half-circle. Yet, halves that are opposite complete a whole circle. They offer much more because they’re bringing two completely different things to the table. Now put this in the context of a team and how many types of opposites are likely working together. Yikes!

Now, imagine two detail-oriented people working together compared to a detail-oriented and a big-picture person working together. The former might feel more familiar and comfortable, but it limits possibilities and potential. The latter, however, doubles your skillsets even if it might be more outside of your comfort zone. Together, it has the potential to create something greater than the whole.

To begin to tap into this potential when working with your opposite (or opposites when on a larger team), practice the following strategies:

1. Notice your differences and name them, both to yourself and your opposite. This helps make it easier to recognize and talk about them.
2. Recognize the value in your opposite. What can they do that you can’t? What’s easy for them that’s hard for you? What do they bring that adds more value compared to what you could do on your own (or with people who are only like you)?
3. Leverage your styles. Make a plan for how you can work effectively together while focusing your energy on your strengths. If you’re detail-oriented and your opposite is big-picture and you are working on a project together, have them focus more on the goals and objectives while you focus more on putting together the plan to get there. Get creative around how both of you can contribute towards the bigger goal.
4. Make light of your differences. Finding humor in your styles, such as by giving names to your opposite styles or outing yourself when you are getting too caught up in your style, can reduce the tension. Look for ways to appreciate your differences instead of anyone’s style being right/wrong or good/bad. This also helps to not take your differences too seriously.
5. Serve each other. Much like my teasing in the previous strategy can be a way to serve the other person to find balance, so can finding ways to contribute in ways that they can’t. For example, if you’re people-focused and they’re process-focused, offer to step in more to handle customer meetings, networking, and getting buy-in. Support them to do what they do best instead of expecting them to handle those types of situations. Connecting back to #3, make this part of an intentional plan between both of you instead of making assumptions or overstepping your bounds.

On a larger scale, these polarities can show up in systemic issues individualism vs. collectivism, liberal vs. conservative, or people vs. profit. I recommend checking out Barry Johnson’s work around Polarity Management for ways to navigate these types of polarities both in your organization and within your collective team.

In a culture ruled by logic and reason, it’s tempting to play it safe and rely solely on what we know. Without evidence to justify or explain a decision, people might be likely to reject or even ridicule our choices. However, the irony I’ve noticed in my work with clients is that we often instinctively know the right choice – we’re just afraid to make it. Making those choices ultimately isn’t about having evidence or using logic – it’s about having the courage to trust your gut.

Mind Over Matter Instinct

Trusting your gut can be scary. It involves against the grain of cultural norms such as needing proof, reason, and validation. It also means trusting our bodies over our minds, the latter of which is generally more revered in our society. When using instinct to make a decision, we might use strategies like:

• Second-guessing and questioning ourselves
• Minimizing and giving it less credibility
• Ridiculing and telling ourselves that we’re being silly
• Panicking and playing it safe
• Psyching ourselves out

In the end, we spend a lot of time losing sleep, agonizing, and twisting ourselves in knots. Instead of tuning into our inner voice, body wisdom, or sixth sense, we can make decisions harder than they need to be.

Learning to trust your gut isn’t necessarily the right or only way for every decision – it’s just a powerful and underutilized approach to add to your decision-making repertoire. When making decisions that directly impact people, such as hiring, promoting, and selecting people for opportunities, objective data is crucial to counteract racial, gender, affinity, and other types of bias. In such cases, our unconscious preferences can (and often do) masquerade as gut or instinct. When making those types of decisions, slowing down, using objective criteria, and getting input from multiple perspectives is important to promote equity. However, for many other types of decisions, trusting your gut can open up new possibilities and lead to unexpected and often better results.

Defining the Indefinable

How do you develop the courage to trust your gut? What does trusting your gut even mean? Although it shows up differently for each of us, some common signals include:

• Body sensations such as tension, heat or cold, and pain (or even illness) can signal a bad choice; relaxation, tingling, or warmth can signal a good choice (which often literally manifests in your gut, hence the expression)
• A calm and quiet inner voice
• Imagery, including dreams
• A nagging sense that won’t go away
• Deep “knowing” from your core and/or heart

Practicing self-awareness, such as through Emotional Intelligence, can help us recognize those signals. However, for many people the challenge isn’t about not recognizing our instinct – it’s using one of the strategies in the previous section to go against it. Our fear and self-doubt kicks in and our mind takes over, doing its best to stomp out the instinct. This is why courage is so vital to trusting your gut. When you do instinctively or intuitively know the right answer, it requires automatically taking a leap of faith coupled with decisive action.

Developing courage can take time, practice, and learning from experience. Starting with smaller decisions such as which shopping lane to pick or which route to take are low-risk decisions and verifiable. They provide good case studies in which to notice how your gut “communicates” as well as the strategies you use to avoid listening to it. Reflecting afterward can provide valuable information to help you learn your personal signals and come to trust them. Over time, you can work up to bigger decisions.

Taking the Leap

Our minds and external facts aren’t the only forms of “data.” Our bodies, minds, and senses also contain data, and that data is both vast and multi-dimensional. Opening ourselves up to listen to this larger pool of data actually provides a much deeper well of evidence than what might appear on the surface. Although other people may not get it and use the above strategies towards you, taking in what’s being shared and then having the courage to trust your gut is part of what great leadership is all about.

To help you take the leap, consider:

• What are some of the signals that your gut is telling you something?
• What strategies do you typically use to avoid listening to or following your gut?
• What are some past experiences in which your gut was right, and what can you learn from those experiences?
• What do others say or do (including old parental messages) that gets in the way of you trusting your gut?
• When you’ve chosen to follow your gut in the past, what were the benefits?

Feel free to share your answers in the comments!

While there are many change models such as ADKAR, Kotter’s model, and McKinsey’s 7-S Framework, it can be easy to get so focused on the model that we overlook the fundamental key to change: people. Even then, we can overlook a fundamental key to helping people change: relationships.

Consider a change you’ve made or been part of. Perhaps it was learning a new piece of software, getting a new boss, or following a new rule. Next, think of the people who either mandated the change or helped you implement or adapt to it. Were they people who you trusted, respected, and made you feel cared for? Or, the opposite? Chances are that the change was easier to embrace if you viewed the people behind the change positively and had good relationships with them.

Good relationships are crucial to making change successful. If we believe someone has our best interest at heart, if they genuinely want to see us succeed, and if they know and treat us as a person instead of an object, we’re much more likely to want to change.

I recently met with a work team located in another country that faced resistance for years in trying to implement new programs. It didn’t matter to the recipients how great their programs were, what data they could provide to demonstrate their effectiveness, or how smart the team was. What made the difference was the team making the effort to build relationships, understand their culture, and demonstrate genuine care. Through their continued efforts to build relationships they developed trust, and this trust led to recipients embracing the team’s ideas, programs, and recommendations. It opened a window that would have otherwise remained closed and resulted in both parties working together on opposite sides of the glass.

On the contrary, I also recently witnessed a professional, multi-million dollar consulting firm try to implement process changes on behalf of senior leadership. Their approach was to make some quick assessments, tell people what they should do differently, and implement a “thou-shalt” approach. This approach was mirrored by senior leadership, who just made a few token appearances during implementation. As you might assume, the recipients felt objectified and resisted the change. All they had to do was nod and wait it out for things to return back to normal.

Building relationships takes time, and there is no shortcut. It also has to be genuine and without agenda. For example, waiting until you need something from someone before getting to know them will likely backfire. Instead, we can start getting to know the people who work with, for, and above us. For senior leaders, this means getting out of the office and visiting employees. For managers, it’s things like building coalitions with other managers. For individual contributors, it’s asking leaders for things like informational interviews.

That said, building relationships doesn’t need to involve hours of bearing one’s soul or being best friends with everyone. Learning and using people’s names, smiling when passing people in the hall, asking people for their ideas and recommendations, or a genuine “how are you doing?” can go a long way. And, things like asking questions and listening are always helpful. Then, when it comes time to change, we’re much more likely to say “yes.”

In exploring ways to build relationships that support change, consider the following questions:

• When you reflect on times when you’ve wanted others to change, how did the quality of your relationship affect the outcome?
• What gets in the way of you building relationships with people at work?
• What kinds of change are you wanting to implement, and how can you leverage your relationships to support that change?
• What are some approaches you can use to increase trust and connection with other people, both professionally and personally?

• Relying on one approach such as training, coaching, meetings, or imposing rules as the go-to answer to just about every problem (regardless of the problem)
• Looking for the latest “new and bright shiny object” or trend to solve problems (flavor-of-the-month)
• Focusing on symptoms instead of root causes

When taking such approaches, organizations get caught up in superficial solutions and a neverending fascination with tools. In other words, they focus on how to go about solving a problem instead of determining exactly what they’re solving for. In order to find sustainable solutions, we need to reverse this approach. We need to determine if, in fact, it’s actually a nail or something else like a screw, thumbtack, piece of tape, or block of wood. To do so, we need to emphasize the “what,” not the “how.”

Hammers vs. Nails

Organizational “nails” often get reduced to generalizations, symptoms, or assumptions. For example, a need for leadership development, issues around diversity, or challenges with turnover or production.

As those issues like those are reduced to nails, the organization whips out its go-to hammer and starts whacking away. The hammer could be implementing training, hiring a consultant, or imposing rules and policies.

The same approach can be used when creating new programs or initiatives. People get excited about using the latest trends such as personality assessments like Meyers-Briggs, processes like Lean Six Sigma, or management approaches like “Who Moved My Cheese?” and try to incorporate these “hammers” into organizational training. The hammer then becomes a toy that doesn’t even need a purpose – it’s just fun to swing around. These hammers aren’t necessarily bad – they just not might be the right tool for the job.

Beginning With the End in Mind

The key to creating change is to identify what the “nail” actually is using approaches like research, analysis, and/or dialogue. This helps uncover what it is that we’re trying to solve for. We need to answer questions like:

• Is there really an issue? And, if so, is the issue actually what we think it is or something else?
• What is behind the issue?
• What are people’s challenges in dealing with the issue, and what do they need to solve it?

Asking these questions helps reveal the true nail. For example, instead of leadership development, the “nail” could be about limited access to career development resources. Issues around diversity might actually be about fear of conflict rather than getting more facts or tools through training. Production problems could be related to outdated technology versus people needing to work harder. Through deeper inquiry, we might realize that the nail is actually a staple, screw, or splinter.

Now that we know the “what,” we can figure out the “how.” Instead of relying on our trusty hammer, we can use the staple remover, screwdriver, or pliers to solve the problem more quickly and effectively. The same principle applies when creating programs, training, or initiatives. By knowing what outcomes we want (based on our “nail”), we can incorporate the right approaches.

Expanding Our Toolbox

Knowing the “what” opens up endless possibilities around the “how.” We can use creative, customized, and tailored approaches instead of off-the-shelf or one-size-fits-all solutions. The more tools we have at our disposal, the more options we have to solve the problem.

Organizational “nails” are rarely as straightforward as a screw or a tack, so they typically require multiple tools. Sometimes those tools are used simultaneously, sometimes in sequence, and sometimes they’re all rolled into one. Sometimes we need to invent new tools. The bottom line, however, is that once we know what we’re solving for, we no longer need to rely on or force the hammer. By expanding our toolbox, we create solutions that produce impactful, dynamic, and sustained results.

When emphasizing the “what,” not the “how, some questions to ask might be:

• What are my go-to tools?
• What tempts or distracts me from getting to the “what” and causes me to get sidetracked by the “how”?
• How can I incorporate more tools into my toolbox (or, even better, collaborate and leverage other people’s tools)?
• What indicators tell me that I’ve discovered the true “what” around a given problem?
• What are some current situations in which I’m too focused on the “how” without being clear on the “what”?

The Pink Elephant Phenomenon

We’ve all heard the phenomenon of what happens when someone tells you NOT to think of a pink elephant. You’ll probably think of a pink elephant! However, what we don’t talk about is what to do instead of not thinking about the elephant. Ironically, not knowing the alternative defeats the purpose of the concept in the first place.

The “pink elephant” concept doesn’t just apply to our thoughts. It applies in our daily lives in ways such as:

• Creating goals based on outcomes we don’t want
• Speaking out against people, ideas, or policies we don’t like
• Thinking about what could go wrong
• Spending energy on circumstances, people, or situations we can’t change
• Giving instructions that emphasize what not to do
• Doing things we dread

Much like the pink elephant, focusing on the negative keeps us stuck in that state. Even more importantly, it becomes difficult for anything else to show up. There is no room for change to occur, or at least not the kind that gets us more of what we want.

Learning to Ski

I’ve only gone downhill skiing a few times, but I still remember the fundamentals of turning. One of them is to simply focus your attention on the direction in which you want to turn. You’ve probably also had this experience when driving and turned to look at something, only to have your car start to move in that direction (sometimes with unfortunate results).

The same principle applies when trying to change something. As we saw earlier, it’s both hard and confusing to try to not do something. Could you imagine telling a skier to not look at the direction in which they don’t want to turn? Yet, we take the same approach in our everyday thoughts, habits, and behaviors.

When figuring their goals, many of my coaching clients start out by framing their goals around what they don’t want. For example, when clients want to work on their public speaking goals, they’ll say things like, “I don’t want to forget what to say,” “I don’t want to be nervous,” or “I don’t want people to laugh at me.” Typically, they spend so much energy not trying to do these things that they end up doing them anyway! And, they’re much more miserable in the process.

The alternative: shifting your attention to what you do want instead of what you don’t want.

What Do You Want?

To shift your attention to what you want, try these approaches:

Create goals with the outcomes you actually want to experience. Using our public speaking example above, your goals could be to remember all your talking points, remain calm and relaxed, and maintain eye contact with your audience.

Propose ideas and solutions that you’d prefer instead of the current reality, and make clear requests and suggestions. If you don’t like a particular meeting, what would you like to happen in that meeting instead? If someone makes bad decisions, what decisions would you like them to make? If someone is loud and obnoxious, how would you like them to behave?

Think about what could go right. We have a 50/50 chance of something going right vs. going wrong. However, focusing on what could go wrong sways the odds in that direction. Instead of worrying about the reasons why you couldn’t get the promotion, what are some reasons why you could get the promotion? Instead of anticipating something bad happening, anticipate something good happening (even if you don’t know what it might be).

Spend energy on things you have control over. You can’t change the weather, your parents, or most of our leaders. Yet, these types of topics take up a huge space in our lives and typically don’t create good feelings. In place of such topics, which topics would bring you more joy? What things can you readily change that are under your influence or control and that would bring you more fulfillment or make a difference?

Give instructions with what the person should do. Telling someone to stand up straight is clearer than telling someone not to slouch. “Be on time” is more direct than “don’t be late.” “Keep the card in your pocket” provides a specific solution compared to “don’t lose the card.”

Change dread into desire. Instead of resisting going into work, what could you do at work that would make it more fulfilling? Rather than dieting, what things could you do to experience greater health?

Your Positivity Toolkit

To expand your positivity toolkit, experiment with using the concepts from the previous examples:

• Find the opposite of what you don’t want and move towards it
• Think of your ideal outcome and work towards creating it
• Replace something you don’t want with something you do want (this can apply to people, behaviors, or situations)
• Start doing something else in place of anything you want to stop doing
• Move towards something you want instead of away from something you don’t want

Questions for action:

• Think of emotions you frequently experience that you don’t want. What emotions would you prefer, and how can you experience more of them?
• Reflect on some things you frequently complain about. What would you like to experience instead of those things?
• What does your ideal end state look like in a given situation? Consider areas such as in your organization, around social issues, in specific relationships, or in your daily life. How can you achieve that state?

I ruled out the radiator because it could have melted the notebook cover (it was pretty hot).

The staircase banister was a few feet farther away from the fountain, and I was worried about someone accidentally knocking it off when using the stairs.

Not liking either option, I tried to balance the phone and notebook on a windowsill above the radiator, but it was too narrow.

After a few more seconds of debate, I paused for a moment: it would take about 30 seconds to fill the water bottle, and hardly anyone ever used those stairs. After recognizing the gap in my thinking, I placed the items on the staircase banister and filled up my bottle.

Aside from the fact that I spent way too much time deciding how to go about a simple task (and no, I don’t typically do this all day ;), what struck me was how I went on autopilot and missed the obvious. Even though I knew from experience the hardly anyone used the stairs, I unconsciously assumed that someone would use them in the thirty seconds it would take to fill my bottle and then proceeded to waste time looking for other solutions.

Being Stuck on Autopilot

Even though this is a trivial example, it represents what I frequently observe in my clients on a regular basis (and typically around more significant issues than filling up water bottles). We go on autopilot and don’t stop to consider what else could be going on. We then spin our wheels chasing the wrong information or overlooking the best solution. For example:

• Having priorities without ever questioning how we determined those priorities in the first place
• Going about a task without considering if there’s a better way to do it
• Wanting something without exploring why we want it or how we think we’ll benefit from it
• Seeking approval without asking ourselves why we need those people to like us
• Being afraid without looking at what it is we’re really afraid of

When we’re on autopilot, our minds get stuck on or overlook a dilemma or course of action that doesn’t serve us. We go about our day without questioning how or why we do the things we do. In the process, we waste time, energy, money, credibility, along with opportunities for fulfillment, connection, and meaning.

We engage in these types of autopilot behaviors and thinking every day. Consider things such as the route you take to work, the situations that you replay over and over in your mind, the steps and order in which you go about completing tasks, the fears that go unquestioned, or the things that motivate you. We let most of these scenarios play out over and over without asking ourselves if there’s a better alternative.

Getting Off Autopilot

My example only involved filling a water bottle. Consider other examples where the stakes are higher:

• Making life decisions, such as where to live, who to date, or which job to take
• Addressing and resolving conflict, including on a global or cultural level
• Solving work and business issues with potential financial, environmental, or social consequences
• Spending energy and money trying to look good, prove worth, or get ahead
• Dealing with social issues such as racism, homelessness, and addiction

Instead of spinning your wheels or reenacting the same scenes over and over, getting off autopilot can help you create new stories, end thoughts or behaviors that don’t serve you, help you be more efficient, improve relationships, and help you shift from being reactive to proactive.

There are several steps you can take to get off autopilot:

1. Notice discomfort
   When experiencing a frustrating, unpleasant, or painful situation, pay attention. The discomfort is potentially a signal that you’re on autopilot. These uncomfortable experiences are often clues that you’re stuck in an old pattern. These patterns could be experiencing familiar relationships, perpetual unresolved conflict, stress, inability to solve or resolve problems, or wasted time. Practice paying attention to these feelings and patterns.
2. Pause and reflect
   When you notice discomfort or familiar patterns, pause and reflect. Notice the result you’re getting. Observe your thinking or beliefs about the situation. Look at how you’re behaving. By taking a step back and examining what’s going on, you can tease out what’s really going on and become more aware of the situation. Sometimes this awareness comes quickly, and other times it can take a while. Continue to pause and reflect until the unconscious becomes conscious.
3. Make a different choice
   Once you notice your thinking, belief, and/or behavior, you can make a different choice. Sometimes the choices are obvious, sometimes not. You may need help to gain additional perspectives or options. Experiment – the key is to at least try something different. No matter the result, you’ll experience something new. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day – we need to keep trying new things until we get a different result.

Not all autopilot behaviors are uncomfortable – sometimes we’re just blissfully ignorant of them. One way to increase awareness of our autopilot behaviors is to ask for feedback.

Questions to get you off autopilot:

1. How can you become more aware of your discomfort?
2. What gets in the way of you making time to pause and reflect?
3. What emotions do you commonly experience? Which autopilot beliefs or behaviors create those emotions?
4. What frustrating or debilitating situations do you repeatedly experience? Which autopilot beliefs or behaviors create those situations?
5. What is something you tolerate in your life? What is a different choice you can make to eliminate the toleration?